Fun With Disguises
by DeterminedX2
Summary: COMPLETE. In an attempt to learn more about Irkens, Dib disguises himself as Tak and goes undercover to live with Zim. Soon Zim creates an incredibly stupid device, inspired by seahorse reproduction. And that's only the beginning ...
1. Obligatory Setup Chapter

**Fun With Disguises**

The class sat, bored out of their collective minds, as their teacher droned on about doom, or ruin, or whatever the destructive word of the day was. She glanced at the clock.

"Do you all know what time it is, class?"

"11:59," the class replied in bored unison.

"No, it's recess time," said Ms. Bitters. "But since you all got it wrong we're going to have biology time as punishment instead."

"Awww!" the class groaned.

"Quiet!" she hushed. "Now the school can't afford biology textbooks, so just open your math books to page 143. There's a picture of a seahorse in the corner, that's biological." More grumbles from the class were heard as the teacher began her lecture. "For the next few … _hours_ … we'll learn the following about the seahorse: Body structures and organs, what they eat …"

No one listened to her. Dib in particular was in his own world. He glared at an oblivious Zim, who was staring intently at the seahorse picture.

"Their daily life and activity, history and evolution …" she continued.

Dib just couldn't get Zim out of his mind. '_What is he thinking about? Is he plotting our demise right now?'_ he asked himself.

"Their reproduction ..."

Ms. Bitters rambled on about these things the rest of that Friday afternoon, with the constant pester of Zim's questions.

Zim waved both his arms. "Ms. Bitters, how did the Earth horse evolve into such a small and pathetic ocean dwelling creature?"

"It didn't. Other way around."

"And why does this seahorse not eat sea-hay and live in a sea-barn?" asked Zim. "And if the male has the babies, why isn't that just the female?"

"I'd tell you but the skool won't allow it."

The bell rang. The kids jumped out of their seats and ran down the hallway. "Yay, weekend time!" one shouted as he tripped Zim.

As they walked home, Dib rambled on as usual as Gaz pounded away at her GameSlave 2. "You know that long skool lesson about the seahorse?" he asked, thinking intently.

"No. I'm not in your class."

"I realized something during it. We know so much about these stupid little fish or whatever they are, but I only know a little about the Irkens. If we could study them like we do the seahorses, maybe we'd have a better chance at defeating Zim."

"Jeez, is there anything that_ doesn't_ make you think about Zim?"

He carried on, oblivious. "Even just the basics like our outline from skool. What was it? Evolution, food, organs … umm ..." He pulled out his notebook to read the rest.

"You actually took notes?"

"If only there was some way for me to find out though …" He thought hard.

"Why don't you just go to his house and ask him? He's so dumb he'd probably just tell you."

"Gaz, I'm being serious." He sighed. They were walking up their driveway now.

Suddenly an idea struck Dib and he scampered into the garage. He decided he would try to look up some of the information using Tak's ship. He hooked it up with his laptop and began tinkering with it. "This ship has lots of information in it, but it's so hard to decode. I can do it though…. It's not like I have a life or anything."

* * *

He worked for hours on the ship's computer, wading through file after file. Finally he noticed something that really caught his eye.

"This has really caught my eye," he said, echoing the narration. "Tak's personality is still on here! I thought it'd been erased when I downloaded mine." He sat and thought. "How can I use this to my advantage?"

He ran inside and grabbed the phone.

Gaz spied him from the kitchen table. "What are you doing, Dib?" she snapped. "It must be something weird because you never use the phone due to you not having any friends."

"You'll see." He put on a headset connected to his laptop, then dialed a number.

Over at Zim's house, the Doom song rang down the hall. "GIR, be quiet! Aren't you aware I'm probably torturing humans or something?"

"That's not me, master," said GIR. "See? I busy washing bees. It's my cell phone ringtone!"

"Cell ... phone?" Zim scoffed. "Such inferior human technology!"

"I gots me wallpaper with a nekked picture of me on it! Hehe!"

Zim just shook his head and continued what he was doing. With all this talking, they forgot to answer the phone.

Back at the Membrane house, Dib sighed and hung up.

"Well that was anti-climatic," said Gaz.

"I was going to use Tak's voice from the computer to talk to Zim," said a dejected Dib. "And find out all sorts of cool Irkens secrets. But they didn't answer."

"Oh, yeah. Most people talk about their organs and evolution on a regular basis," Gaz replied sarcastically. "Seriously, Dib, I think that was your lamest plan yet."

Dib sat down at the table and held his face in his hands. "I know it was. I'm running out of ideas ..."

"I still think mine was good."

"What, going to his house and asking him? That's worse than mine!"

"That's what Tak did."

"No, she didn't." He paused. "Wait. She did fool him though …" He grinned evilly. "…with a disguise." He hopped out of his chair. "Thanks, Gaz! You've just inspired me!"

"Eh?" She looked up from her videogame but he was nowhere to be seen. She shrugged. "Phfffft, I'm sure it's just as lame as always ..."

Back in the garage, Dib's fingers clicked away at the keyboard. "This plan isn't lame at all!" he said proudly. _DING!_ "Yes! I've found the program Tak used for her disguise. Now I can disguise myself as her and fool Zim!"

"Son! What have I said about cross-dressing?" shouted Membrane from his lab.

"You can hear me all the way from in there, Dad?"

"Of course, offspring! You always talk very loud about your nonsensical plans!"

"... I've got to stop talking to myself."

He stayed up all night planning. It took four Red Bulls and twelve Pixy Stix, but finally everything was order. "Soon Zim, I will know everything about you!"

"That's very creepy, son!"

"Stop listening to me, Dad! I'm trying to do my cool-sounding speech!" His shoulders hunched over in exhaustion. "Oh, well … what's the point?"


	2. Double Question Mark

"Well, Gaz, how do I look?"

Gaz looked up from her videogame and her normally squinty eyes ballooned.

"Not bad, huh?" said Dib, looking over himself. Completely concealing his body was a holographic image of Tak's human disguise. The hair, the shirt, that skirt type thing, those kick-ass boots, and even the beauty mark were exactly like Tak's. "I look pretty snazzy, eh?"

Gaz squinted once more and went back to playing her game. "There are a lot of words to describe what you look like, Dib. 'Snazzy' isn't one of them."

Dib didn't hear her; he was beaming proudly about his new disguise. "I guess I'm off to defeat Zim ..." His posture shrank a little. "... with notes." He straightened back up and walked triumphantly towards the door.

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

He stopped and brought his finger up to his chin. "Hmm … no, I think I've got everything. Trust me, I planned this out very well last night," he said proudly.

"Well, okay then." She didn't even look up. "I just thought Zim might be a bit confused that Tak has a dude's voice."

"Oh, crap!" He rushed back to the ship to correct his mistake. Since Tak's downloaded personality interface included her voice, he was able to upload that to his disguise.

And with that, he was off.

* * *

He cautiously walked up Zim's sidewalk. In his backpack he had a voice recorder, to record any and all notes he could. He also had his laptop, and a weapon ... just in case. The lawn gnomes locked on and pivoted around, following his every step. He stopped at the door and took a deep breath.

_Knock knock._

The door opened. "Llama?!" shouted GIR enthusiastically, in his doggie costume. Dib glanced around, confused. "The llamas are gone!"

He hesitated then shook off GIR's silly comment. Clearing his throat he said in Tak's voice, "This is Irken Invader Tak! I've come to speak with Zim!"

GIR didn't move. His eyes just stared. Then he poked his head out the door and looked around, keeping his eye level no higher than Dib's waist. "Where's your kitty?"

Dib cringed. In his Red Bull-induced work rush last night, he had forgotten all about Mimi. He was beginning to wonder if he'd thought this out as well as he'd believed. "She's … umm …" He thought fast. "... dead." Probably too fast.

"WAHHHH!" GIR wailed, his nubby arms flailing.

"Whoa there, shut up!" shushed Dib, not wanting to make a scene.

GIR perked back to his normal self and gave a thumbs-up. "Alrighty!" He scampered off and hopped on the couch to continue watching TV.

Dib walked in and looked around. He walked through the upper part of the house, taking pictures with one hand and holding his voice recorder in the other. He spoke softly: "I've entered the house. Currently taking photos of the couch, some weird panting of a green monkey-bear-alien thing, the TV, the ceiling, the — GAH!"

He ran right smack into Zim.

Dib had anticipated this moment. Not the bumping into Zim part, but the meeting-Zim-as-Tak part. After running the scenario over in his head several times last night, he decided the best and only way to get Zim to let Tak stay with him was with some good ol' fashioned ego-stroking.

So he dropped to his knees.

"Oh, mighty Zim!" he began, his hands clasped. "I am not worthy!"

Zim's eyes bulged. "TAK?!"

"Please forgive me, Almighty Zim, for our last encounter. You, with your superior intellect, bested me. You are truly elite, your awesomeness unmatched by any Irken I've ever met." Inside this little speech was killing Dib; he could feel vomit in the back of his throat.

Zim just stood there in an uncomfortable mix of confusion and pride.

"And that is why I am here: to humbly request that you teach me your ways. Perhaps, in time, some of your greatness may rub off on me, and I could become a great invader like yourself."

"_Me?_ Rub my greatness on _you?_" Zim folded his arms. "This is pathetic, Tak. Invaders need no one!"

"Please, Zim! I only want to bask in your awesomeness!"

Zim began to think. The idea of having an actually competent subordinate was intriguing him. "After thinking it over I have decided that I _am_ awesome. You may stay and do my bidding."

Dib stood up. "You won't regret it," he said with a particularly sly grin.

"But you must understand ..." began Zim, his face turning from blind pride to something much more sinister, "… that if you are my apprentice-slave you must do whatever I tell you to do. Do you agree? "

Dib thought this was creepy but nodded nonetheless.

"Good. Your first task is to give the base a good cleaning." He started to walk away to the toilet, to descend back underground. "For some reason it stinks like _human_ in here."

Dib sniffed himself and got to work.

* * *

"KIWI! Hehehe, you've got no wings!" GIR put the fruit in his mouth.

"Close your mouth-hole!" commanded Zim. "I'm working on my most _brilliant_ plan."

"Are you gonna shove kiwis in the humans?" The kiwi was still hanging out of his mouth.

Zim blinked. "No."

"Awww ..."

"I won't bother to explain it to you."

GIR nodded. "Probably for the beeeeest …"

Zim turned back to his computer and proceeded to talk to GIR anyway. "I'm hoping it will go more smoothly than my past ones now that I have Tak under me."

Zim didn't know it but a shadowy, eavesdroppy figure loomed in the doorway behind him.

"I am so SICK of losing to that Dib-human! You know, that ugly kid?"

Dib narrowed his eyes. _Psshh!_

"Every single squeedly time he gets me! That filthy nuisance! I just want to rip out his pancreas and dangle it in front of him. You know what'd he say, 'oh, please give that back, I don't know what it does, but give it back anyway!' You can picture this, yes? And anyway, I'd say, 'no, I'm keeping it,' and we'd continue this banter until all his blood is drained and I step atop him the _victor_."

"What ... the ... f—"

"Tak, is that you?" Zim whipped around in the chair. "Were you listening to me?"

Dib was still somewhat stunned by Zim's violent ramblings about him. "... yes?"

"Come here. I want to show you something."

Dib cautiously walked over to Zim. He stopped a bit short but Zim waved him closer.

"I want to tell you about my new plan." He had that evil grin again. "Prepare yourself to hear it, because it is AMAZING!"

Dib stood there awkwardly. A few seconds passed. "Okay, I'm prepared."

"Okay, good. My new plan is inspired by this earth creature called the 'seahorse.' The male has the babies, you know. That's hard to wrap your head around. For a second your brain is just like '??' You know, two question marks."

"….??"

"So I thought, what if I could take that feeling and make it continuously repeat itself? You see where I'm goin'? Warp the brain into having '??' moments over and over. If my calculations are correct, it'll only take about ten or so repeats before the brain becomes mush. Like PLAY-DOH!"

Dib had one eye halfway closed in confusion.

"I've already built a device to do just such. I call it the 'BRAIN GOO MUSH ... THING.' And after I use it on the humans, they will be ripe for conquest!" Zim lowered his fists, which he had raised proudly while explaining this, and turned to Dib. "So what do you think?"

Dib blinked long and hard. He couldn't tell him the truth. He couldn't just blurt out that this was absolutely the most horrible, ridiculous, idiotic, retarded dribble of a plan he'd ever had the misfortune of hearing. "It's spectacular, Zim!"

"Yes, of course. And together, we shall execute it flawlessly." His eyes narrowed. "And that Dib will be the first receive the brain goo-ing."

Dib cringed but quickly turned it into an awkward smile. "Umm … huzzah!" It was Dib then Dib noticed Zim staring intently at him. Dib quickly looked down and then back up. "What?"

"Oh, sorry. I was just thinking that your head looks bigger than I remember." He shrugged. "But anyway, when we see Dib he's gonna --"

"MY HEAD'S NOT BIG!" Dib quickly covered his mouth. '_Damnit Dib, you're going to blow your cover!'_

But Zim was so thick he didn't even make the connection. He simply finished his sentence and dismissed Dib to continue cleaning. He had to finish up a few minor kinks in his new device for tomorrow …


	3. Fun On the Phone!

All of this cleaning Dib was forced to do was giving him the urge to do something naughty. The endless mechanical tubing, panels, and other alien technology boggled his mind, yet all he was supposed to do was tidy them up. The urge to do something was tormenting his insane mind, still not completely recovered from the sheer stupidly of Zim's "??" plan. The feather duster fluffed up the alien filth on what looked to be some type of control panel attached to a screen.

All of the buttons were far too alluring for Dib to contain himself any longer. He let the feather duster push one and the machine whirred to life.

"Oops!" said Dib in a mocking fashion, grinning. "How clumsy of me!"

Everything on the screen was in Irken, so without his laptop to decode it Dib was left guessing. He scrolled down and noted it was a list of some sort. He scrolled back up and chose the first item. Suddenly a cartoony Irken symbol and an ellipsis flashed on the screen as a silly little jingle played in his ear.

Then the Tallests appeared on the monitor.

"WOW!" he exclaimed, an excited smile plastered on his face. He had stumbled upon Zim's contact list.

The Tallests looked back with confusion.

He quickly gained his composure. "Oh, um, sorry," he stuttered. "I was just … _really_ happy to see you. Yeah, that's it."

They blinked back. "Who are you?"

Dib had to think for a moment. Did the Tallests know Tak? What kind of relationship, if any, did they have? He didn't want to blow his cover or make a bigger fool of himself.

"It is I, Invader Tak!" he said finally, giving a salute.

"But you're not Irken." Red furrowed his brow. "Is this a prank? Because if it is, it's not funny at all."

"Nope, two thumbs down," concurred Purple.

"Very bad job."

"Mmm-hmm."

'_These are Zim's leaders?'_ His mouth just hung agape.

Red waved his arms. "Yoo-hoo! Are you alive?"

He snapped back. "Huh? Oh, yes, sorry. I was just reveling in your ... _genius_." He nodded to himself. "I am Irken, I'm just in my disguise."

"Oh yeeeeeah ... I remember you, Tak," said Red.

"You do? Oh, yeah, of course you do, because _we're_ …" he trailed off, leaning forward a bit and holding his hands out a little to try to get them to finish his sentence.

The Tallest didn't respond.

Since he didn't know the nature of Tak and the Tallests' relationship he was having a difficult time conversing with them. Slave and masters? No, too harsh. Friends? No, Tak probably wasn't capable of friendship. Lovers? DEARGODNO! He did remember her recorded snack plan, however, was very formal, so he figured his best bet was to be obedient. He decided to assume it a commanders-servant type of deal.

He didn't want to say that out loud though. "... cool?" he finished. He cringed at his bad save.

The Tallests mulled this over. "I suppose we _are_ cool." They both smiled and nodded then looked back to Dib.

"Anyway, my leaders … could you maybe send me something? Like a book of _all Irken knowledge?_ That'd really be helpful. 'kay thanks."

"Whoa, there, hold on," said Purple. "Last time you promised us a snacky planet. Full of snacky goodness! Gimme."

Dib's eyes darted around nervously. "Umm, that's what I need the book for. Yeah. You see, I'm on Earth right now—"

"I thought Zim blasted you into space? How are you back at Earth?"

"Funny story, actually." He paused but quickly moved on. "Anyway, send me a book and I'll do the snack thing. Our species has books, right?"

They stared back at him strangely for a moment before nodding.

"But I don't see how a book on our own race will help you on Earth?"

Dib was getting so tired of making up things up as he went that he didn't he bother to try anymore. "Well, duh! I need it for the Great Booking! Gosh!" The Tallests just had a look of total _what-the-fuckery_ on their faces. "Are you gonna send it or what?" He then remembered he was probably supposed to be obedient to them. "… sirs?"

"I guess so … if it means we get our delicious snacktacular planet." They turned to the Irkens on the control panels and gave a signal.

Beside Dib a machine that looked like a geometric bowl hanging upside down attached to the wall hummed and began to beam a picture that looked like a book. Dib reached for it but his hand swiped right through.

"Yeah, it takes it minute," said Purple.

Dib stood there awkwardly, waiting for the book to download. '_Damn, do Irkens have DSL or something?'_ he thought to himself.

"Wait a second," said Red suddenly. "If you're on Earth, where's Zim? Please don't tell me he's alive."

"He's alive."

"_UGH!_ Oh, well. You're planning to destroy him, right? Because he is _so_ annoying."

"Of course, in due time."

They both grinned evilly. The book was about halfway done now. "So tell us, Tak, how do you plan on doing it?" asked Red.

Purple piped up: "Record it for us, please!"

Dib had envisioned Zim's death so many times, yet this was the first time anyone had ever asked him how he'd do it. And his mind, overloaded by evil images of Zim's innards being strewn about a hundred ways, blanked. "I'm still figuring it out." He saw their faces begin to sour and hurriedly tacked on: "But don't worry! I'll figure it out, I'm a clever guy like that."

The Tallest cocked an eyebrow.

"I mean _girl!_"

They stared back.

"Oh, gosh, would you look at that! My book's done downloading thanks-so-much-I-gotta-go-see-ya-later-BYE!" He quickly cut the transmission. He wiped the sweat off his brow. '_Real smooth!'_ Picking up the book, he began to thumb through it. '_Damn, no pictures_.' It was all in Irken so he'd have to wait until later to decode it. Holographic words sprung up with every page like a pop-up book. "Wow …"

Zim marched in the room. "BEHOLD!" he bellowed.

Dib promptly hid the book behind his back.

Zim deflated a bit from his proud position and narrowed one eye, confused. "What was that?"

"Oh, I was just, you know," he glanced around nervously. "... beholding."

"Oh, okay." Zim's former evil, triumphant pose returned. "AND NOW! … we begin the brain goo-ing."

"But Zim, you said tomorrow!"

"I know, I lied." He was holding the device in his hands. I'd describe it but it is just too stupid to deserve a description. "I think I've finished it, and I'm eager to try it out on the Dib-worm."

Panicked thoughts raced through Dib's mind. '_Zim will realize something's up when he won't be able to find me. What if he actually puts two and two together and realizes I'm Tak? No he's too stupid. But still! I must do something …'_

"Can't we wait? I'm not ready!"

"What? Come on, what do you have to do?"

Dib was edging towards the door. "Umm ... Irken girly things? … BYE!" He ran out and the door slammed behind him.

Zim just stood there … he was having a "??" moment.

* * *

_Meanwhile … (well, right outside the door)_

Dib was wracking his brain to figure this one out. '_Augh my brain is so totally wracking out!'_

Suddenly, he had an idea. He grabbed MiniMoose who was conveniently floating beside him. Uh, eh, yeah, he's in this story. Yup, been there the whole time!

"You're coming with me, I've got a job for you." His eyes narrowed in an ironically Zimmish fashion.

"Squeak?"

For all MiniMoose knew, Dib was Tak. And Tak was now under Zim's command, like MiniMoose, so the he assumed that he and Tak were on the same side. Tak was also Irken, and being Irken technology, MiniMoose was designed to obey. So he did not hesitate or find it creepy to follow Dib down the street and to his house. Nor did he hesitate or find it creepy to follow Dib into his bedroom. Nor did he hesitate to follow Dib's command to get in his bed … though he did find it creepy.

"Okay, Moose-thing," Dib began. "I want you to transform yourself into Dib."

MiniMoose, being the AWESOME MIGHTY PIECE OF IRKEN TECHNOLOGY that he was, formed a holographic image of Dib that seemingly transformed his entire tiny moose body.


	4. Worthless Piece of Garbage

"Damnit, MiniMoose! My head is not that big!" roared Dib as he stared back at MiniMoose' holo-disguise. "Get it right, gosh!"

A dejected squeak.

"But I guess it'll have to do." He sighed. "Okay, MiniMoose, I need you to listen to me, and listen to me very carefully."

An affirmative squeak.

"Zim's going to come in here in a bit … and do horrible things to you…."

A nervous squeak.

"… but you _cannot_ react. Just lie there, on the bed, and pretend you're asleep. Don't pretend to wait up, don't look at him, and for the love of all things paranormal DON'T SQUEAK."

A longer, uneasy squeak, reminiscent of how one might say, "okaaaaaay?"

"This is a test," he lied. "You're Dib. Do not break character until I say so. Understand?"

MiniMoose blinked his Dibby eyes and nodded.

"Good. Now get under the covers and face the wall." Dib was walking towards the door. "Remember! Don't wake up!"

He closed the door behind him. '_This is so not going work.'_

Since Dib had a little free time back at his house, he decided to do a couple things that had been pressing an increasingly more urgent need. He went to the bathroom and got a snack (not at the same time though.) At Zim's house, Dib hadn't found a single toilet except the one the alien used to descend underground. He had recorded this in his notes that Zim might not use the bathroom, and if he did, he did it in a very stealth way that he probably wouldn't want to know about. Dib also hadn't seen Zim eat, and there was little food in the house. There was no way he'd eat any horrible alien food anyway, so he took the opportunity now to fill his stomach.

He made himself a sandwich and sat down to eat it. Just as he was going to take his first bite, Gaz walked past him.

"You know Zim's here, right?" she said very nonchalantly.

He dropped his sandwich. "_What?_ Where?"

"Just saw him go in your bedroom."

He growled under his breath. "He was supposed to wait for me!"

Gaz cocked an eyebrow as she starting eating Dib's sandwich.

Dib flew down the hallway and burst open his bedroom door. There stood Zim, wielding his insanely stupid device. He was currently firing it at MiniMoose, still disguised as Dib. Zim's face contorted in an irritated snarl as he attempted to raise the power. The lack of reaction from the disguised MiniMoose, who was just lying there, was frustrating the hell out of him.

Dib crossed his arms. "ZIM!"

The alien looked up from his device and locked eyes with a very annoyed Dib.

"What are you doing here, Zim? I thought we were going to do this together." Clenching his teeth, he was trying to contain his anger. "That was the plan, remember?"

Zim shrugged. "Yeah, but I got tired of waiting again." He closed his eyes for a moment, but they immediately sprang back open again. "Wait … what are _you_ doing here?"

There was no hesitation: "Waiting for you!" Before Zim could realize this made no sense, Dib changed the subject. Pointing to the device he asked with feigned concern, "So what's up with that?"

"I don't know, it's not working," Zim growled. He had ceased fire when they began talking. "I turned it to full power and yet the Dib-monkey didn't even wake up!"

Dib smiled a little on the inside. He knew it was because MiniMoose, not being a real moose, did not have a brain. Without a brain, the device was powerless.

Zim wailed angrily and tossed the device across the room. It smashed a lamp and fell on the floor with a thud. Angry at his failure and even somewhat embarrassed, he yelled again. "Worthless piece of garbage!"

Dib brushed a couple lamp shards off his clothes. "So … are we gonna—"

The door slammed behind Zim; he had left the room without saying a word to Dib.

Dib growled under his breath. "Bye, Zim! Guess they don't have manners on Irk, _now do they?_"

He had figured Zim couldn't hear him, but then the door opened. Dib gasped, worried he'd blown his cover. Zim popped in, grabbed the device, and was gone again without even acknowledging Dib.

Dib sighed and walked over to MiniMoose. "Good job, moosey-thingy, Zim doesn't suspect a thing!" Silence. "MiniMoose?" Dib began to shake the creature. "MiniMoose, wake up! The test is over! MiniMoose? MiniMoose?! … that's your name, right? … MiniMoose!" He shook him harder, like a nanny shakes a baby. "Get up!"

"Eeeeek …" MiniMoose groaned, his eyes fluttering open. Sparks shot everywhere.

Dib released him when he felt the shock. He shook his hands in pain. "Son of a …"

"_Squeeeeak!_" he howled in pain.

"You're short-circuiting or something, aren't you? There must have been a lot of electricity emitted from Zim's device. I forgot to take account into you're a machine … I guess … so it might interfere with your….." Just then Dib noticed that his ramblings had overloaded MiniMoose's system, and he lay there smoking. "You're dead, aren't you? You've got X's for eyes, that's a telltale sign, I know these things."

Dib pulled the covers over MiniMoose and tiptoed out of the room. '_I don't have time to fix him … I'll come back later when Zim's asleep ... but wait …he's still disguised like me. Can I risk this? What if this somehow leads to me blowing my cover? What if this is foreshadowing? Why do I think in complete sentences? OH, I KNOW! I'll ask my darling little sister to help me!_

Gaz sat in the kitchen, polishing off some 'pizza.' It was actually a soft taco shell with spaghetti sauce and sliced cheese melted in the microwave, but, hey, close enough.

Dib walked up to her. "Gaz, can you do me a favor—"

"N—"

He continued without a pause. "I need you to keep an eye on MiniMoose. He's in my bed disguised as me. He's totally burned out and smoking now, but I'll be back later tonight for him and ..." He trailed off when he realized that a floating panel of Membrane hovered above his shoulder. "Um, Dad, I … Wow, this doesn't sound right, does it?"

Membrane shook his head. "Your … _happenings_…. have completely made me forget why I approached you. See ya!" The panel snowed out.

"Okay … well, anyway, Gaz, I've gotta go catch up to Zim. You'll watch MiniMoose, right?"

Gaz raised her palm to smack Dib's face. Dib, oblivious to her intention, extended his own hand and met hers halfway. "Yeah, high-five!"

Gaz growled as Dib ran out the door. "Idiot."

* * *

The sun was beginning to set as Dib arrived back at Zim's base. This sent a chill down his spine. He knew it all along, but the thought of sleeping inside an alien's compound was beginning to creep him out. He chased the thought away. He still had a few more hours before he'd get tired. However, he didn't know that Irkens didn't sleep.

He found Zim in the depths of the base, reading Irken information off a large monitor. Zim swiveled in his chair when he heard Dib's footsteps. "TAK!" he exclaimed very matter-of-factly.

Dib blinked. "What?"

"I know what you're thinking. 'Wow, Zim sucks at killing humans' … Am-I-right?"

"Killing? The device was for—"

"But trust me, what you witnessed was none other than my incredible Zimmy GENIUS. I faked that on purpose to make Dib _think_ I was incompetent and that the device didn't work. That way he won't stop me later! You're believing me, right?"

"Ummm … he didn't wake up so how could he know about it?"

Zim chuckled and waved him off. "Poor naïve Tak …" He said this like he would elaborate further but the room remained silent.

Instead Zim slid back down into his chair to continue reading.

"Zim ..." Dib began nervously, peeping over Zim's shoulder. "I don't feel like I'm learning much. Can we talk about stuff?"

"STUFF?" He cocked an eyebrow. "… what kind of stuff?"

"Oh, you know ... our home planet, history, evolution, _weaknesses_ … normal stuff."

Zim pointed to the screen.

Dib glanced at it but it was in Irken and he couldn't read it. He wasn't sure how he should react, so he looked back at Zim for a clue. The alien's eyes were locked onto the words once more, reading silently.

Dib sat on the floor and pretended to read too. It was an awkward silence for the next few minutes. Dib had no idea what Zim was reading, but he kept his eyes focused like he did. If Zim found out he couldn't read Irken, it'd be over.

Suddenly a strange sound from Dib's insides broke the silence. His stomach had growled. He was still hungry since Gaz had stolen his sandwich. Dib didn't think much of the sound at first until he saw Zim's reaction.

Zim's eyes bulged in a mix of confusion and fear. "What on Irk was that?!"

The boy then realized that Zim didn't have a stomach. He also remembered from his notes that it appeared that Irkens didn't eat or did so rarely, so it made sense that Zim had never heard a stomach growl before.

Dib placed his hands on his belly. "Umm…" His eyes darted around nervously. '_What can I say that he'll believe?' _"… I'm dying? No, I mean I'm sick. I think I'm sick, Zim." He hunched over, gripping his abdomen. "Oh, God, my squee … uh … squeedly … crap, what was it called? … squeedily spoo — MY INNARDS ARE EXPLODING!"

"Eh?" Zim raised himself onto his spider legs and scurried away for a moment. He returned with some scary-looking alien equipment. He raised one of the pieces, metal and jagged, and looked to Dib.

Dib had backed himself in a corner, shaking with fear …


	5. Anticlimax and Zim's Couch

'_This is it. My cover is blown!'_

Dib began to panic, cowering in the corner in the depth of Zim's labs. His muscles quivered in fear as he looked up.

Zim loomed over him, spider legs extended, with the instrument. He began to lower himself nearer the boy. The action caused a reflex in Dib; he delivered a swift kick to the alien's squeedly splooch. As Zim doubled over, Dib dashed to the elevator.

He hit the elevator's button about twenty times at hummingbird speed before it finally began to ascend. All the while he shook with fear, his eyes wide. His mind raced: '_Oh God I can't believe this has happened I should have known who would have guessed it'd be a stomach growl this is so stupid my whole plan is ruined and haven't learned hardly anything because of Zim's stupidity I mean his device is the dumbest thing ever holy crap this elevator is so SLOW!_

In reality it wasn't, but Dib's mind was set on an adrenaline-induced hyper-speed. It reached the top and Dib bolted out into the living room. Suddenly he fell to the floor.

"BANG!"

Dib, who was now lying on his back, opened his eyes and groaned.

GIR leaned over him and giggled manically. "That's the sound your head made!" The little robot picked up a singing rubber fish mounted on wood and balanced it on his head. Dib had tripped over it.

Dazed, Dib sat up and held his aching head. Behind him, Zim emerged from the elevator. Not hearing his footsteps until they were directly behind him, Dib turned his head to lock eyes with the Irken. Still not thinking clearly, he made the dumb decision to talk to Zim instead of racing out the door.

"Zim! Look, before you try to destroy me, hear me out. I was only trying to learn about you, okay? I wasn't trying to kill you or something." He paused. "Well, I guess I planned to eventually but this was just a note-taking mission … peaceful, you know?"

He cocked an eyebrow. "Peace?"

"… uh … sure." He was backing up towards the door. "So I'll just be leaving now …" His eyes darted nervously. "Glad this is over. See you at skool!"

"Irkens don't know the _meaning_ of '_peace_'!" he spat.

Dib stopped in his tracks and looked back at Zim.

"You come here to my AMAZING Earth-house … for _notes_?" Zim held out his hands and closed his eyes for dramatic effect. "You sicken me! How dare you call yourself an _invaaader_." He gave the last word a slight evil trill.

Dib's jaw dropped.

"You have so much still to learn." He threw up his arms. "SO MUCH!"

"Zim! … you … I …what the …?"

"As punishment for your incompetence, I want you to … um …" He thought hard, then an evil grin spread across his face. "… to make a list of punishments." He cackled as if this was actually an intelligent idea. GIR, who is definitely still in the story despite being silent for the last few minutes, joined him and giggled along.

Zim turned around and headed for the elevator. "Tomorrow we shall try the device on the Dib-worm again." He stepped into the lift and faced Dib. "It will be neat," he said with the same evil grin.

The elevator descended, leaving Dib reveling in the situation: '_WOWZERS! Is Zim really _that_ dumb? I mean I knew he was dumb but MAN this takes the cake. I'd like some cake. I can't believe I got away with that! I should kick him more often, it was kinda fun … Hmmm, interesting how I keep thinking in complete sentences. Oh, well. I need to go home and fix MiniMoose. I'll wait 'til Zim falls asleep and sneak out …all sneaky-like … heh heh …_

He looked over and noticed GIR was watching him. "Awwww, you think crazy. Just like Dib!"

Dib tackled the robot. "Shut up!" he screamed, his hand covering GIR's mouth. "What do you know, robot-thing?" he asked in a suspicious tone. Moving his hand, he demanded, "Tell me."

"Whuh? I know that …" He smiled widely. "… MONKEYS TASTE GOOD." Sticking his tongue out with a little squeak, he closed his eyes and stupidly grinned at Dib.

"Hmm, I guess I jumped the gun on that one. I forgot, you're even dumber than Zim." GIR nodded back before prancing away. "I guess I'll get to work on that list while I wait for Zim to go to sleep."

Dib sat on the couch with a blank notepad. He glanced at the clock. 8:16.

'Organize all suspicious boxes.'

'Clean all weapons.'

He was trying to think of punishments that wouldn't involve any pain and would preferably allow him to learn about Zim and his base.

'Sort all computer messages.'

'Learn how to deactivate GIR.'

'Eat some Earth food. Maybe Crazy Taco? I kinda feel like tacos tonight. Not that I eat them normally since I'm Irken but I think I will eat some now.'

He sighed. 9:34.

'Do errands for Zim (especially ones that are near Dib's house).'

'Watch Earth TV (Mysterious Mysteries).'

10:58. Time passed so slowly. He was having difficulty thinking. Periodically he got up and checked to see what Zim was doing. Sometimes he was experimenting on gerbils, sometimes fine-tuning that stupid device, and sometimes just standing around. But he showed no signs of drowsiness.

12:22. Dib was still on the couch, leaning against the armrest. '_I can't think of anything! Why won't Zim just go to sleep?! Even I'm getting sleepy! Come ON! Go to bed Zim! AUGH!'_

It was about 2:03 in the morning when it dawned upon Dib that Irkens might not sleep. The thought made him grip his head in frustration. If Zim didn't sleep, he wouldn't have time to fix MiniMoose.

He was also getting very sleepy himself. But if he fell asleep, Zim would suspect something. Dib knew he'd be completely vulnerable if he allowed himself some much needed rest, so he was determined to stay awake.

But the fact that the house was eerily quiet and his task was mind-numbingly boring didn't help. The couch, which he'd originally judged as unusually stiff, had become more and more comfy as the hours passed. '_I'll just close my eyes for a minute,'_ he thought. '_A five-minute nap isn't suspicious, he'll never know …'_

But Dib's eyes sprung open again as the doorbell rang. And for some reason, he did not hesitate to get up and answer it.

As he opened the door, his eyes fell upon his little sister Gaz, wide-eyed for once. "I can't take it anymore!" she screeched, gesturing behind her. "Get him away from me!"

Dib peeked from behind the door. "Who? I don't see anyone — GHUHH!" He was interrupted as the two hands formed a chokehold around his neck. Dib pushed the arms away and looked at his attacker: black hair in a scythe, trench coat, a not-so-happy-face shirt … it was none other than our favorite little paranormal investigator!

"I know what you're doing, DIB," he growled. "And it ends _now_."

Dib was floored. Literally. Probably that singing fish thing again, but that's not important right now. "Mi … mi … MiniMoose?!" he stammered. "You can't talk!"

He folded his arms. "Of course I can! I just chose not to! Yep, that's an explanation!"

"Gaz, why didn't you tell me he woke up?" Dib looked around and noticed his sister had vanished. "Gaz?"

"Shut up, earth scum!" screeched MiniMoose, pushing Dib back to the floor. "I know all about your little plan to spy on Zim. Dressing as Tak, living in the base, learning Irken secrets. What a pathetic attempt! You screwed it up on day one!"

"No … no! NO! It isn't true! This isn't happening!" he cried, fear mounting in his voice.

"What? Yes it is. Stop trying to trick me! What was I saying? Oh, yeah. I'm telling Zim immediately, and he'll _destroy_ you. Like, for real this time."

Dib looked down. Somehow his disguise had vanished. He cried out, in a panic, but MiniMoose interrupted him.

"ZIM!" the Moose hollered, pushing a communicator button. Zim appeared in a physically impossible instant. MiniMoose transformed back into his moosey self and pointed to Dib. "Behold, master! It was Dib all along! Not Tak! He was tricking you! I will get rewarded for this with Moon-Pies, yes?"

Zim appeared unusually calm. "I already knew that, MiniMoose. I've known it all along."

They exchanged glances. "… how?"

"_Because _…" hissed a familiar voice from the shadows. A figure materialized behind Zim. "I've been—"

"_Tak?_" Dib had a "??" moment.

"Huh?!" said MiniMoose. "Why was I not aware of this?"

Tak was fuming. "Would you two SHUT UP?! You interrupted me. Anyway … well great, I forgot what I was saying."

"_All_ of you can shut up," said Zim. "Because I have an announcement to make." All eyes fell on Zim. "Well, it's not really an announcement, I just wanted to sound important. Here I go … I will begin the Dib-destroying now!"

Tak rolled her eyes as she sucked on an Irken slushie.

Suddenly, metal tentacle-like appendages flew out of Zim's Pak. He stepped toward Dib. The appendages whipped through the air and latched onto Dib, snaking all over his body. The grip felt so different from everything else in the last few minutes; it felt so _real_. In fact he seemed to feel it even before they touched him. Dib knew it should hurt but it didn't, he simply felt the pressure … at least in his shoulders. He shrieked, and the shriek forced an explosive jolt to his eyes that opened at last.

There he was, laying on the couch, being shaken by two cold, clammy hands. "Wake up, silly buns!" said GIR.

"DON'T TENTACLE RAPE ME! … I mean …" he looked around. "A dream? It was a dream?"

"I love Dreamsicles!"

Dib wiped the drool from his mouth and onto the armrest beside him. "That was a terrible nightmare! I should have known it was a dream. Why is it that no matter how messed up things are in dreams you just don't realize it? Who am I asking this?"

GIR shrugged. "I dunno."

Dib looked at the clock. 7:15. "Whoa, that is more than five minutes!"

He hurried back down the elevator, worried if Zim had noticed.


	6. Funtime Lab Adventures!

Dib stepped out of the elevator. He wondered if Zim had seen him sleeping earlier on the couch. '_If Irkens don't sleep and Zim saw me I'm done for!'_ he thought. '_Unless of course I have some kind of crazy luck again due to his stupidity. That seems to happen a lot. Maybe the world doesn't hate me as much as I thought. Whoa, I should probably stop thinking to myself seeing as how I've already gotten out of the elevator and Zim is staring at me.'_

"Huh?" was all the Irken said.

Dib looked back. "What?"

"Tak?"

"That's me, I guess."

"Oh." Zim hopped down from his floating chair. "I forgot you were here."

Dib blinked.

"Several hours have passed since I last saw you, slave. You're kinda my slave, right? I can't remember. What have you been doing anyway?" Suddenly he grew angry. "You weren't messing with my amazing pillow people collection, were you?!"

"What? Those are marshmallow peeps."

"YOU LIE!" he screeched. "Now, what was your purpose in coming to Earth again? Not saying I forgot, because the _mighty Zim_ is not stupid, but I am making you remind me as a symbol of … subordination? Yeah. TELL ZIM!"

"Learning, Zim. I came to learn," he replied with a sigh.

"Hmmm." He flicked his eyes over the boy. "I do not like you addressing me as 'Zim'. My MIGHTINESS demands a title much more fitting."

"… what do you want me to call you?"

"Let's see … you can call me 'Almighty Lord Zim Whose Amazingness is Vastly Superior to Everyone On This Planet Especially Me Tak … But Especially Dib I Forgot Him'."

"That's a little long."

"You're right. Just call me 'master' then." Before Dib could think to himself in his usual fashion, Zim continued: "So learning, eh? Okay. Follow me."

Zim walked over to and stepped into the elevator. Noticing Dib's uneasiness, Zim motioned for him to join him. Dib approached the lift but stopped short of getting on. He was trying to think of some kind of excuse not to have to share such a small space with a disgusting alien monster, but his mind was blanking. Frustrated, Zim grabbed Dib's wrist and pulled him into the elevator. It whirred and began to descend.

There was only about an inch or two separating them. Dib pressed himself against the wall. '_Ugh, I can't believe I'm this close to him! This is gross! Why couldn't we go separately? It's okay, Dib, just be cool. Relax relax relax_….

"Ugh!" Zim wrinkled his face in revulsion. "There's that smell again! Why does my house reek like _human_?"

Dib quivered. "I-I d-don't think it smells like human. I th-think it smells like……Fritos."

A mechanical click was heard as the elevator reached its designated floor. Zim triumphantly stepped out and marched over to a tank. Dib followed after letting out a huge, silent sigh the second Zim exited the elevator.

"This, Tak," began Zim with an evil grin. "…is my latest experiment. In this tank are an Earth species known as seahorses. I have hatched them from eggs and grown them here so that I may do all kinds of tests. Painful, horrible, sick tests. FOR RESEARCH!"

Dib stared into the tank with a confused expression. "Zim … err … Master … I think—"

"SILENCE! I'm about to hatch another." Zim picked up an egg from a side pouch separated from the tank. He dropped it into the water. Almost immediately it began to grow. It expanded into a seahorse shape and floated limply on the surface. "Amazing, aren't they? They grow faster than any species I've ever seen. I'm trying to get them to mate so that I may see the male give birth. Did you know the male seahorses have babies? That really blows my mi—"

"Yes, yes, we've been through that." Biting his lip, Dib was trying to stifle his laughter. _Zim thinks those stupid water grow toys from the dollar store are real seahorses! What an idiot! Should I tell them they're sponges? No, no, this is too funny. Uh oh, he's noticing I'm thinking! Quick, stop smiling!_

"What's so funny?" asked Zim suspiciously.

"Oh, you know, just thinking about … destroying humans, the usual." There was an awkward pause.

Zim gave Dib a quick look over and narrowed his eyes. "You know … you can take off your disguise."

Dib's pupils shrank to dots as his eyes bulged in shock. "W-what? Zim, I … why didn't you … you said …"

"Quit stammering. I don't see the big deal. I mean, I know who you are, so just take it off. No one can see us here."

Dib was about to faint when it dawned on him what Zim meant. He had forgotten that his disguise was a disguise itself. He hadn't realized that Zim was asking Tak to take off her human disguise, not him to take off his Tak disguise.

"No thanks. I like it like this."

"But it reminds me of those _disgusting _Earth-monkeys. Remove it, now."

It was impossible for Dib to appear as Tak in her Irken form. Tak had saved the disguise she used for skool on the ship. Since Tak would not need to upload her natural appearance, there was no file for that and thus the only disguise available was 'human Tak.'

"Come on … you said it yourself, it's not a big deal … who cares, right?"

"You dare disobey your master?"

Dib's eyes darted around the room. He suddenly spied GIR, eating a box of candy Nerds. "Hey, look at that Bow-Flex machine!" Dib said as he pointed across the room.

Zim turned and looked. "Huh? Oh, no, that's my lemur-killing machine. Heh. Yeah that takes me back …"

As Zim rattled on, Dib grabbed GIR's nerds and tossed them in the water. '_That was convenient.'_ His hand quickly covered GIR's mouth to conceal the robot's protest. "Wow! They did it! They had babies!" he exclaimed with faux enthusiasm.

Zim turned back around and looked inside the tank. "AMAZING!" Zim smiled as he looked down. "They are so gross and squi-i-i-shy. Yet so vital to my _mission_…"

As Zim beamed over his work, Dib was thinking to himself. '_Maybe I should take this time to try to learn about Irken reproduction … nah._ _It's on the list but I'm going to ignore it._ I don't feel like throwing up today. He said this last bit out loud though.

"Huh?" said Zim. "Well, me neither. Now that we've got that out of the way, we can—"

"MY NERDS!" screeched GIR, finally breaking free. Dib quickly backhanded him and he flew into a nearby wall. "You're hard, Mr. Wall!" he said after he landed.

Zim suddenly gasped, but not because of GIR. "There's something terribly wrong! These seahorse babies are much too small, even smaller than the eggs I bought! And they're not rapidly expanding!" Zim began to panic. He leaned over the tank with a crazed expression on his face, his eyes two different sizes.

Dib's legs quivered. Staring at all this water had reminded him that he hadn't urinated in several hours. The need was mounting. "Hey, um, master?"

Zim didn't look up.

"I've gotta go for a bit …'kay? I'll be back. I'll, um, research seahorses for you. Just stay here, no need to follow or watch me or anything."

The alien still did not turn around to face him. "All my work will not be for NAUGHT!" he said to himself.

"Well, okay then!" said Dib, now realizing that Zim wasn't paying attention. "Bye-bye!" He headed for the elevator.

Dib didn't really know how to work the elevator, so it took him to the last room they'd been in, which was just another lab room a few floors up. Dib didn't try to go to another room, as he was getting tired of riding in the elevator. But mostly I am getting tired of writing about the elevator.

He looked around for something to go in. He spied Zim's device and chuckled a bit. '_Still never gets old_ … _dumbest plan ever!'_

He debated just pissing on the wall, but then he saw the transporter he had gotten the book from. A devilish grin graced his features. He switched it on and a pink light poured from underneath of it. After setting it on random coordinates on a random, uninhabited planet, he turned the beam on. It glowed even brighter. Dib unzipped his pants and began to urinate into the beam. '_I'm peeing into space! This is so exciting! I can't wait to tell … hmmm … I don't know who I can tell this amazing feat to but I sure am going to tell someone! …eventually. Kinda sad that this is the highlight of my day.'_

Finally he finished and zipped back up. He looked over to the monitor he had called the Tallests on earlier. Then he looked over to the device. He smiled another evil grin.

In no time he had turned on the machine and chosen their ID on Zim's contact list. The static faded into the Tallests' confused faces. They looked back at Dib, who was holding the device in the crook of his arm. It took them a moment to recognize who this ugly monkey-weasel looking thing that was calling was, but as soon as they did their faces lit up.

Somehow there was suddenly confetti. And Purple was blowing a noisemaker. The Irkens at the control panel were cheering.

"Zim is dead! Huzzah for Irk!" exclaimed Red in moment of sugar-induced jubilee.

"This is best day of my life!" said Purple. "No more Zim! I can't believe it!"

"You, Tak," said Red, turning to face Dib. "… are a hero! You have done your planet proud!"

"Yes! This fills me with happy juice!"

"Please tell us you taped it!"

"Bring us his squeedly splooch on a platter … I want to eat it RAW!"

"… what? Eew. That's gross."

"Yeah, you're right, I don't know why I said that."

"Zim is not dead," said Dib, devoid of emotion.

The Tallests froze. "... what?" They exchanged frustrated glances and looked back to Dib. "Then why are you calling us?"

"Yeah! You said you'd kill Zim!" Purple crossed his arms and stuck out his lower lip. "Now I'm full of saddened juice!"

Dib glared. "Turn on the transporter."

They looked back, confused. "Why should we?"

"Just do it. Do you want Zim dead or not?"

"Duh, of course we do!" Purple turned to one of the Irkens at the control panel. "YOU! Engage the transporter! You know, the little one."

The bowl-shaped transporter next to Dib sprung to life once more. The glow pulsed underneath.

"_So?_" said Purple impatiently. "What's this for?"

Dib stuck the longer, narrower end of the device into the beam. He aimed for a control Irken and gripped the trigger. He hadn't thought this through, but he wanted to destroy every one of those filthy aliens, especially the Tallests. Maybe he'd blame Zim for this later. He'd hypnotized him! Would they believe that? It didn't matter at this point because he simply wasn't thinking; he was caught in the moment. '_This is for Earth! DIE ALIEN SCUM!! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!'_

A loud zap was heard as the electricity coursed through the alien's body. He fizzled a bit and stared back. "That ….tickled," he said, blinking.

Dib deadpanned. '_Wow, Zim is a crappy engineer!'_

"What was the meaning of that, soldier?" asking Red, putting his face closer to the monitor.

"Oh, um, that was my … tickle machine! Yes, I made it for you, because you rock and stuff."

The Tallests grinned widely. Purple stepped near the transporter and held out his arms. "Shoot me!"

Dib obeyed and Purple giggled madly as he sizzled with electricity.

"Me next!" Red looked to Dib and tried to appear more serious. "Thank you for our gift. This may sound silly, but for a moment I thought you were trying to kill that guy. Can you imagine that?"

"Say WHAT! No way, my Tallest, I would never do that … but let's say I did. What would happen?"

"We'd have to deactivate you, of course. For _murder_."

Purple stepped back onto the screen. "But don't worry, we won't deactivate you for killing Zim!"

"Yeah, murder only counts when we say it does."

"So not very often."

"We're kinda inconsistent."

Dib was thinking hard. "What if Zim were to kill another Irken?"

"OH, he'd _definitely_ be deactivated."

Dib smiled evilly. "Hmmm …"


	7. The Plot Moves Ever So Slightly

When we last left our heroes, Dib was conversing with the Tallests down in Zim's labs. Let's watch …

"Hey, Tak," said Red. "Quit hmmm-ing."

Dib snapped back from his cleverly homicidal thoughts. "Oh, sorry, my leader guys."

Red appeared as if he were actually thinking. "So you never did tell us … what is your plan for destroying Zim?"

"Ooh!" Purple popped back onto the screen. "Is it going to be like your old plan for Earth?" He elbowed Red with a grin. "Like … fill Zim up with snacks … but this time, fill him up until he _explodes?_"

"No, no," Red said in between laughs. "Fill him to the brink, just below his explodey threshold, then send him to us. We'll string him up and beat him with sticks until he pukes out all the snacks or dies. Whichever comes first."

Purple was choking back tears. "Oh, I get it, a Zim piñata!"

'_Zim's leaders are NUTS! Mmm … nuts. I am so hungry.' _"I already have a plan, sirs," said Dib. "But I cannot tell you it, for it is a secret."

"Does it involve doughnuts?" asked Purple.

"No, I don't believe so."

He crossed his arms. "Then it's not as good as ours."

"Hold on, give it a chance." Red turned to Dib. "Does it involve beans of some sort?"

"No."

"Mayonnaise?"

"No."

"Those little candies that are like semi-flat chocolate circles with lots of little white or sometimes rainbow sprinkle dots on them?"

"No."

"Your plan must be terrible!"

"I assure your that despite its lack of snackiness, it is a pretty good plan!" Dib's finger hovered above the controls. "Well, would you look at the time! I gotta go, tee-tee-ell-why and all that." Giving a half-hearted salute, he cut the transmission. '_Whoo, that was close! I hope they don't notice that I didn't actually give them the device like I said.' _

Dib sighed and lay on his back, his eyes looking up to the mechanical tubing that was Zim's ceiling. He was lying on one of those long floating chairs things Zim has. You know the ones … from _Squee._

'_Okay, it is now THINKING TIME! Now… my original plan was to spy on Zim as Tak in his base. For notes, to learn weaknesses, to eventually destroy him. It's not going so swimmingly. So far I have learned that: Zim does not sleep, rarely if ever eats, and is brutally retarded. I did get that book from his idiot leaders but …who knows what's inside? Now I have a better plan. I can bypass all that crap and cut straight to the killing Zim part. Hehe, killing Zim…no Dib don't get distracted. Okay! Zim's leaders said they'd deactivate him if he killed another Irken. All I gotta do is make it look like he killed me…well Tak, not actually me, that would suck if I died … and then they'd kill him for me! Kinda lame since I don't get to do it myself but, hey, whatever floats my boat. Wait, that idiomatic expression does not fit there …_

* * *

Sorry for the line, I just felt like making one.

_Hmmm … but how can make this work? Ooh, I know, the ultimate irony … I'll use Zim's device. Wait, I tried that. YES, THAT'S RIGHT! And it did not work. Zim must suck as a scientist! He's been working on that for, like, at least two days I think. God, he's dumb. I will challenge him to shoot me with it. I'll piss him off or something … shouldn't be too hard, since I am generally an annoying person … Then he'll shoot me but since his device is crap it won't do anything. But …heh, here is my GENIUS part of the idea … I'll play dead. He'll think he actually destroyed my brains. But! I will need a witness. Zim isn't going to report himself. Hmmmm …'_

"Hummingbird!" shouted GIR, randomly popping out of an adjacent piece of alien equipment. "Hum hum HUM HUM!"

Dib sighed. "You fail as a witness."

GIR frowned momentarily then brightened once more. "Do I fail as a hummingbird?"

"Yes."

"Aww, ma-yan!"

"Saaaaay, Zim's robot thing," began Dib. "There isn't anybody else who lives in this base, is there? Besides MiniMoose, I mean. He's kinda dead at the moment."

"YES!" he shouted. "My … PIGGIE!"

"Wha …?"

GIR stuck his tongue out with a dopey grin. "He lives my head."

Dib was thinking intently. "Are you loyal to Zim?"

"Loy-yul?"

"Yeah … like, would you report to his Tallests if he did something he shouldn't have? Like … MURDER! …?"

"Ohhh-OOOH …" He spun his arms wildly. "Master is my FRI-YEND. Wheeee ..."

"That's a no, isn't it?"

GIR nodded, pretending to be serious. "I _do_ like macaroni."

Dib turned away from GIR and began to think out loud. "There's got to be someone else I can use as a witness … maybe … Gaz! Gaz knows Zim's an alien, she'll help me." Dib reached into his backpack and pulled out his cell phone. Yes, Dib has a cell phone. After flipping it open, he dialed the number. She finally answered after four rings.

"Dib …" she growled. "What did I tell you about calling me?"

"Not to do it unless I want my _face_ beaten in, but this is serious!"

"I'm gonna hang up now."

"No, don't!" he yelled. "Hear me out. I need you for part of my plan."

"Your 'plan' was to spy on Zim. How hard can it be to take notes? Especially for a nerd like you, nerds love notes."

"I have a new plan, Gaz! One that'll destroy Zim forever!"

"You are _so_ annoying."

"I need you to come over here so I can show you how to contact Zim's leaders."

"You're a bigger idiot than I thought."

"You're right, that won't work," he said. "It wouldn't make sense that a human reports him … plus, Zim would never let you use his controls. He'd probably destroy you before you had the chance …"

"Pssssh. The only threatening thing about Zim is his stupidity."

"Hey, I know!" Dib's face brightened. "How is MiniMoose? If you could bring him here, I could fix him, and ask him to transform into—"

"No way, Dib," she snapped. "You play with Zim by yourself. I'm busy."

"With what? This is the fate of the world!"

"Bloodthirsty Emu Shooter 2. Bye, Dib."

"Wait!"

"No."

The dial tone rang in Dib's ear. He deflated a little and flipped his phone shut. "Isn't there _anyone_ who can be a witness?! Jeez!"

"How about MEEEEE?"

Dib spun around to see a little boy floating suspended in a large liquid-filled tube. He wore a shirt with a familiar orange splatter and a grin ear to ear. The boy waved to a stunned Dib. "HI, I'M NICK!!"

Dib shook himself. "Were you there all along?!"

"YEAH!"

"And you didn't say anything?"

Nick shrugged. "You didn't ask me anything."

"… I … I remember you! Zim's human test subject! Who likes waffles!"

"Well, GOLLY! I SUUURE do love waffles. Hey! Let's eat some now?"

Dib then remembered that he needed to be careful. Nick didn't see Dib or Tak watch him eat waffles.

"Or pancakes! Or freedom toast! THEY ALL MAKE ME HAPPY!" Somehow the boy's smile was larger than his face.

"Umm … Actually, I have a better idea. Let's get you out of there and have you witness a murder."

"OOH, YAY! That'll be great!" His expression did not change. "Just push that button there, the one that makes me happy! No, the other one! No, the red one! There ya go, buddy!"

Dib pushed it and the liquid quickly drained out. Nick stepped out with a jubilant bounce. "WHOO!"

"Come on … Mick, was it? … Let's go get myself killed."

"AWESOME!"

* * *

_A/N: I'm assuming you all have seen the episode "Zim Eats Waffles," if not, you might be slightly confused. Ah well. Go watch it, it's a good ep._


	8. The Most Brilliant Plan Ever Created

_HOLY CRAP I UPDATED!! Does anyone remember this story? It's been several months since I've written anything for it. I lost interest but the OCD in me is forcing me to finish it. I actually had almost this entire chapter written but I just never posted it … oh well. _

* * *

Further down in Zim's labs, the Irken was busy. He was checking behind trash receptacles, in between sandwiches, and underneath pieces of paper. "Where on Irk is MiniMoose?!" he shouted in frustration. "I haven't seen him in several minutes!"

Dib and Nick peeked from around the corner. They didn't use the elevator because I am so sick of writing about it. "Okay," whispered Dib. "Just like we practiced, okay? Wait, don't answer, your voice is too loud."

Nick nodded, acknowledging his all-cap-inducing tone, and instead gave a thumbs up.

Dib walked forward, leaving Nick concealed in the shadows. "ZIM!"

"TAK!"

"Now that that's out of the way, I have something of grave importance to tell you." He spoke with an air of conceit.

"Eh?"

"I have down some calculations … regarding your device. It will not work."

"LIIIIIEES!" Zim clawed the air in rage.

"Truths!" he shouted back. "Because math is power!"

"Prove it!"

"I can and will. I am so confident that I am right that I dare you to shoot me with it. I guarantee I will be unscathed."

Zim cocked an eyebrow. "I can't … I don't remember where I put it."

Dib feigned a cough as Nick tossed it into view with a clank. "Wow, look at that, Zim! It comes on command."

"Huh? Oh, yeah …of course ... I programmed it to do that! Yeah …" He leaned down and picked it up.

Dib pointed to his head. "Shoot me, Zim."

Zim held it in his hands. "Oh, foolish Tak," he said, growing increasing more arrogant. "Have you forgotten your own species' anatomy?"

"Huh?"

The Irken gripped the trigger.

"NOOOO!" shouted Nick, leaping in front of Dib. "I'll save you!"

In a flash, the electricity coursed through the child's veins. He hovered momentarily in a spark-induced surge of pain. His eyes literally bulged out of their sockets, squirting blood in two directions. Then his ears gushed blood as well, the wetness of it only intensifying the electricity's agony. He vomited a disgusting mix of waffle mush, foamy yellow stomach bile, and even more blood, which was caught in the electric aura. He pissed himself and bit off his tongue. Finally the device stopped firing, and Nick fell into a viscous pool of his own body fluids. Blood continued to flow from his eye sockets, ears, and mouth, as he lay lifeless. His brain was now the consistency of the puke blend covering his body.

Dib covered his mouth, resisting the urge to throw up himself. '_Holy crap! He's dead! But how? I thought the device didn't work … this doesn't make sense …why'd he jump out anyway? I told him everything I was gonna do …'_

Zim put his hands on his hips. "Look, you made me destroy a perfectly good human child! Now I'm gonna have to get another test subject."

"Um … I'm sorry … Zi …uh, Master! I really didn't think it would work!"

"Well, you really thought wrong! Why would you dare doubt ZIM?"

"I guess I …"

"SILENCE! Your incense disgusts me."

"Incense?"

"Incense … in … insolence! Just be quiet! Dispose of this body immediately." He gestured towards Nick's putrid corpse. "And be discrete about it!"

--Later, in Zim's backyard--

Dib grumbled as he shoveled the dirt. He'd dug about a foot now and the soil was becoming harder. Beside him was Nick, wrapped in stained sheet. '_You'd think with all of Zim's technology he'd have a better way to get rid of a body than burying it in the backyard!'_

He stopped digging for a moment to wipe the sweat off his brow. '_Damn, it's hot. I haven't drunk anything all day. So thirsty. My mouth is dry.'_

The sun was beating down on him. Shoveling in the afternoon heat was beginning to take its toll. He hadn't been able to drink anything since he did not trust anything from Zim's house enough to put it in his mouth. He smacked his dry lips. '_I wonder if Zim would notice if I left to get a slushie?'_

Things were starting to become gray. He felt lightheaded and dropped the shovel. Gripping his head, he sat down to prevent himself from falling.

GIR skipped over. In his hand were little candies that looked like juice-filled fruit nonpareils. The squishy sounds he made as he stuffed them in his mouth caused Dib to look up.

"Heeeey ..." Dib said. "Can I have some of those?"

GIR smiled back. "Nope!"

"Well, I'm taking them anyway," he said as he grabbed them from the robot's hand.

GIR wailed and began to thrash about like a three year old having a temper tantrum.

"Hey, hey," Dib called, snapping his fingers. "Look here boy, you see it? You see it? Yeah?" Dib cupped his hand like he had a ball. "You want it? You want it, boy?" With a quick arm trust, Dib feigned throwing the nonexistent ball. "Go get it! Go get it! Good boy!"

GIR ran out of the yard and down the street. "COME BACK! I NEEEEEED YOU AIR!" he screamed.

Dib would have rolled his eyes but he fell to his butt again in exhaustion. He began snacking on the candies.

'_This heat … it's going to kill me…is it even hot …ooh, a blue jay…I heard they're mean though …the Noid is mean … stealing pizzas … are pizzas really pies?…3.14 rounded is a fantastic number… number one movie is different every week …I'm weak I should work out …my idea for everlasting pants did not work out … evergreen trees make cones … but not ice cream cones … how can people be flavors?…if "people" is the plural of "person" then why do people say "persons"?…why do persons has bad grammar? …graham crackers …umm …sidewalks … ugghhhhh …'_

At this point Dib's pupils were the size of nickels and drool was sliding down his face. Whether it was the heat or the fact that he ate an Irken food was making him insane is unknown (well, actually, I know it's both), but regardless poor Dib was loopier than crazy Nick during his electric frenzy. Please ignore my run-on.

Defying his body's protest, he forced himself to stand up and somehow hobbled around the yard. He began mumbling incoherently and walked into the bushes.

"Hey, that cat just left me some Sunny D! Wait, don't bury it!" he exclaimed in a stupor.

That ugly neighbor lady approached the edge of the yard. "Wow, another one of them crazies," she drawled. "Come on out here and see this crazy girl," she said across the yard to another neighbor.

"I am a boy!" Dib yelled back, having forgotten about his disguise.

"You are one ug-a-ly boy then."

That legless old man neighbor was suddenly beside Ugly Neighbor Lady, despite the fact that he is legless and in reality would have difficulty crossing the street so fast. "This world disgusts me."

Dib retreated back into the house, as the ugly neighbors were giving him a headache. Once inside, he continued tripping over everything. He knocked over random objects, such as toasters, watermelons, and other normal living room items.

Zim ascended from the elevator. He leaped out with a ferocious battle cry. The sound scared Dib to the point that he fell on his back and simply laid there. Zim stopped. "Huh? We're not under attack by the merciless Zeppelin-peoples of Chubbyatia?"

'_Uggghhh … my head … peoples? … auuuugh, God …'_

"But what else could produce such terrible noise?" He shrugged and looked down to Dib. "Since you destroyed my last test subject, I demand that you entrap me another. I have some Vienna sausages for you to use as bait."

Dib opened his eyes, his vision blurry. "But Zim … wouldn't it make more sense if instead we took a circus tent, but you know, without the poles of course, and spread it all over the yard. Then we take chopsticks and stick them in at every four square inches. And after that, we round up every lava lamp we can and crack them like eggs on the tent."

Zim flashed an evil grin. "YES! And then when the rains come, oh how those filthy Earth monkeys will _cower_. Excellent plan. I thought of it."

Just then Dib passed out on the floor.

* * *

Dib's eyes opened slowly. "Wha …what happened?" He heard Zim's voice outside and followed.

Zim was wrestling a huge box open. "Horrible Earth box! Feel the wrath of ZIM! GAH! _More _tape?! When will the torture end?!"

"Zim?"

The Irken turned around. "Ah, Tak. I see you've stopped ignoring me. How rude of you earlier … I kept talking and you did not acknowledge my greatness. You just … you know … laid there … _rudely_."

"I …I don't remember anything …" He held his head, still feeling a little weak. "Wasn't I burying a body or something?"

"Yes, and you did a terrible job. Because you just left it there."

"Oh. May I ask why you have like eight boxes of tents and a bunch of lamps on the lawn?"

"The _plan_ of course." He paused. "Though I couldn't get a circus tent so I bought a bunch of smaller tents, and though I found lamps I did not find any of the 'lava' type. I believe they are a rare breed."

"The … the plan?"

"Yesssss ..." he hissed back.

_DING DONG!_

"That's the Chinese food!" said Zim. "Go answer it."

Dib walked up front. '_Isn't the plan to use his dumb device to make people's brains explode? What is this about tents and lava lamps? Has Zim gone off the deep end? Hehe, I'd like to push him off the deep end … of a pool …But anyway! Maybe he has fried his own brain because I am so confused right now._

Dib returned with two boxes of lo mein. "Whas'is for 'ghin?" he asked, stuffing his face with noodles.

"Only TWO BOXES?!" he exclaimed. "That's not nearly enough for my new brilliant plan!"

"'ell thaz whuh 'appezs when you own-ee order two."

"Tak! Solve this mystery for ZIM!"

He swallowed. "What does this have to do with your real plan? With the '??' device? And the seahorse tank?"

"You dare question Zim?!"

"I guess … I guess I am."

Zim narrowed his eyes and took a step toward Dib. "_You_ came to _me_ to learn from the master. How dare you insult me! Clearly, the tents will be for the nursery."

"_Nursery?_"

"Soon my little seahorses will be ready to de-volve."

Dib was reaching an "??" moment just from listening to Zim. He stared back, confused.

"They were once a powerful species with four legs that roamed on land … but now they're tiny, puny, sea-faring thingies. But I will MAKE them what they once were! And we'll keep them out here. Of course, we'll keep the tents wet during the transition period."

Dib didn't know Zim was making this up as he went, thinking he was the most brilliant plan maker in the whole universe, but his BS-detector was going off in his head. Nevertheless, he went along with Zim. Together, they continued setting up the tents, the lamps, and the four chopsticks.

* * *

_A/N: I probably won't get any reviews seeing how no one probably remembers this story, but if anyone does … or if you just read this story for the first time … please leave a review and tell me what you thought._


	9. Happy Tak Day!

_A/N: Thank you all for your lovely reviews. I am pleasantly surprised this was remembered at all. I'm glad I'm continuing this … I'd forgotten how fun it is to write this fic. Okay I'm probably boring you so I'll shut up now._

* * *

You have to take a long, hard look at yourself after spending over a half hour smashing light bulbs and lamps onto cheap tents in your enemy's backyard. Something about approaching something similar to manual labor but without absolutely any point to it truly is a self-deprecating moment. Or, at least it is to Dib.

He wiped the sweat from his brow. "Zim … er, Master … I'm exhausted. May I please take a break or something?"

Zim looked up from trying to twist apart the filament inside a light bulb. "Getting weary, Tak? PATHETIC. Just have your PAK re-energize you."

"Um … yeah, about that. I think it's … malfunctioning or something."

"Have you tried banging on it? Or blowing on it? Sometimes dust gets in there, and—"

"Please! Just gimme a break!"

Just then GIR walked up, eating a Kit Kat bar. He broke Dib off a piece and held it out, offering it to him.

Dib eyed the candy bar. He wanted to take it, but he wondered if it would cause suspicion. His mouth watered and he could no longer bear it. "I WILL TASTE THIS EARTH FOOD TO MAKE SURE IT'S SAFE TO BE IN THE VINICITY OF!" he screeched before grabbing it and shoving it into his mouth.

"_UGH!_" said Zim, disgusted. "Your PAK truly must be malfunctioning. I believe you just ate the waste droppings of a guy named 'Kit Kat.'"

"So I can go in?" he asked, chocolate smeared all over his face.

Zim nodded, then snapped into a dramatic pose. "BUT! While you are in there, I need you to check and make sure this _horrible_ Earth soldier has not returned. Every day, except on the seventh day, he slips Earth words into my door. And once, he left a tiny box of cereal. He must be an ASSASSIN!"

"Wha …? That's the mailman, not a soldier."

"Yes, he appears to be male, but that is not important. Just make sure he doesn't do it again."

Dib saluted and entered the house, wondering why the hell Zim would get mail anyway.

He flopped on the couch and sighed. For a moment he started to get comfy, but then he remembered the nightmare he had at that very spot. Shuttering at the thought, he decided it was best not to fall back asleep.

Just then, the strange painting behind him lifted itself up.

Dib debated running, drawing a weapon, or simply pissing himself in fear. He chose to fall over in surprise instead.

The Tallests fizzed onto the screen, eating Irken cheese cubes by the handful. "Tak!" said Red, stuffing his face. "Resting on the job, eh?"

Dib stood up and saluted. "Sirs! … do you guys have genders? … How may I be of service to — wait a second. How did you know that when you called I would answer instead of Zim?"

"Oh, gee, maybe it had something to do with the fact that … we wouldn't call a _dead guy!_"

"Um …"

"You haven't murdered him yet?"

"Now Red," said Purple. "Don't use the word 'murder.' Use a more happy word like…. 'eliminate' because it sounds a little like 'e-lemonade.' After all, this is a holiday."

"You ruined the surprise!"

Dib just stood there, agape.

Red turned back to Dib. "Well, now that it's out, we may as well tell you. Happy Tak Day!"

Purple smiled wide. "Yes! We have declared a holiday in your honor for destroying the greatest nuisance our planet has ever had the misfortune of coexisting with!"

"It's called Tak Day," said Red. He motioned to a large festive banner behind him, written in Irken. Some space balloons dropped from the ceiling.

"You know how every holiday has its own set of decorations?" asked Purple. "Well, we have already chosen the ones for Tak Day: a pushpin, riding equipment, and breath mints."

Dib hesitated. "Huh? … OH. I get it."

"We've also come up with the designated tradition. First, you find a green Jello mold." Red reached off screen and grabbed a platter of Jello, which for some reason had dirt on it like someone had dropped it. "Then you stuff it in a hollowed out child's toy." The Jello was quickly shoved into what looked like a dog chew toy. "And then you throw it on the ground, stomp on it, and watch the goo seep out." Red had thrown it on the floor as he spoke, but then he hesitated. "Well … someone else is going to have to stomp on it for this demonstration because I float."

"The stomping signifies you killing him," said Purple.

"Look …" began Dib. "This is very flattering and all, but I have to tell you something."

"What is it, soldier?"

"Zim … he's—"

"Dead, we know."

"If you would like to go into detail about his death, please do not hesitate. Especially do not skip over the organ squishing parts!"

"Oooh, yes, those are my favorites too!"

Dib bit his lip. "Zim is still alive."

The Tallests stared back for a moment. "Your heroine status has been revoked," Red finally said. "You are hereby stamped: TEMPORARILY USELESS."

"But …!"

"But nothing. Don't call us again until he is dead and you have his brain on a stick like a Popsicle."

"_You_ called _me_."

"We are hanging up now!"

The panel cut to static. '_I really need to get to work on my fake murder plan …' _thought Dib. '_…as soon as I think of it. Why can't I come up with anything? Maybe it has something to do with severe dehydration, hunger, lack of sleep, and need to go to the bathroom. That or stupidity is contagious.'_

The sound of the back door bursting open startled Dib. "…. and that's why not everything hanging in a tree is fruit," he heard Zim's voice say.

"But they looked so yummy!" said GIR in the other room.

Dib heard Zim sigh. "Come GIR, let us go to the seahorse tank to prepare for the de-volving. I need to gradually lower the water level and the salt content."

"I LOOOOOOOVE ME SOME SALT!"

Suddenly a realization hit Dib like a bitch-slap. That's what realization feels like when it's so obviously good you have no idea how you didn't think of it before.

He banged on the screen. "RE-DIAL! RE-DIAL!" he shouted. "How do I make this thing re-dial?!"

"Well, it'd be nice if you said _please_," said the computer with an attitude.

"Zim's house has a computer?"

"Re-dialing … connected."

Once again, the Tallests appeared on the monitor. Now they were eating fondue, but they were just using their hands instead of the fondue forks.

"That was quick!" said Red with an evil grin.

"No, no," said Dib, with his hands up. "Just listen. I want you to turn your volume up as loud as you possibly can. Okay? Listen carefully!" Leaving them hanging, he turned and dashed for the elevator.

The Tallests glanced at each other. "Can we do that?"

* * *

"Ahh, my disgusting little seahorse things. Prepare for your DOOM! No, wait … prepare for other people's DOOM … which you CAUSE." Zim cackled evilly. "Muhahahaha!"

GIR rolled around the floor. "Hee hee hee!" he joined in.

The elevator reached Zim's level and opened. Out stepped Dib, a determined glare in his eye. "Hello, Zim," he spat.

"I told you to call me 'Mighty Zim'!"

"No, you told me to call you 'Master.'"

Zim slowly blinked. "Do not confuse Mighty Zim!"

Dib walked over to the seahorse tank. He thrust his upper half into it, leaning over the side. Purposely making a big of a splash as possible, he feigned a loud scream. "AHH! Zim! Stop!"

Zim's eyes widened. "GAAHH! Tak, have you contracted the suicide?! That is a deadly Earth substance!"

"Zim! Stop trying to hold me in this dangerous liquid!" He gurgled the water loudly. "I … can't … breathe!"

"I'm not doing anything! I'm at least four feet away from you!"

Dib was smiling evilly. "Please don't kill me Zim, who is not four feet away but right behind me because he is trying to kill me!"

Zim gripped his head. "Why do you not sizzle like a laser-shot weasel?! That is real Earth water!" Suddenly he froze, his eyes narrowed. "Something's not right here."

Dib ceased his splashing and cocked an eyebrow.

"There's no way you wouldn't be steaming … STEAMING LIKE A PITIFUL EARTH KETTLE!"

Dib quivered. '_Well, crap. As close as I came to blowing my cover so many times and then got away with it, I thought I was invincible. But now, during my execution of my fake execution, to fool the Tallests into deactivating Zim, I seemed to have blown it. I suppose it was only a matter of time …_

Zim put his hand to his chin. "Somehow, you must have staged this … gone out and found a substance that looks just like Earth water but without the properties that cause burning, drained and refilled my seahorse tank, pretended to drown or whatever, just to test me. To see if I am a true _invader_ … to see if I could see past your façade." He nodded. "Pretty clever … but not as clever as ZIM!"

Dib shook with fury. '_I practically spilled the beans and yet he still doesn't catch on. What the hell is wrong with him?! Do I have to say it out loud?! I cannot stand this anymore!'_

"Zim, you friggin' idiot! I AM DIB!"

* * *

_Wow suspense :O_


	10. Spilled Beans and Other Food Too

"DAUGHTER!"

"Hmmm."

Professor Membrane entered the living room, hands on his hips. He glanced around the room. "Where is your brother?" he rather proclaimed than asked.

Gaz was sitting on the couch. Her squinty eyes were focused on the GameSlave 2 screen: Extreme Lemming Catcher. Obviously she was far too immersed to respond.

Membrane paced. "I need to ask him something VERY IMPORTANT. He was the last to use the small matter and liquid entrapment device, and I CANNOT seem to find it!"

"You mean the _shop-vac?_" she asked, reaching a save point.

"YES! I need it, and recently he borrowed it. Something about needing it to drain an old water fountain because he thought a baby Loch Ness monster was in it. But now it is GONE!" The professor was walking towards Dib's bedroom as he spoke. He pushed open the door and looked inside.

"Ah, there you are, son," said Membrane. "If I wasn't in such a hurry to attend to PRESSING MATTERS, such as REAL SCIENCE, I would give you a parental-type lecture."

Silence.

"Son?" He poked the unresponsive boy lying on the bed. "Cold as ice! WAIT! This is a ROBOT!"

MiniMoose, still disguised as Dib, had not moved since he short-circuited.

Membrane figured that Dib had built himself a robot that looked exactly like him. And why not? It was far less strange than his usual day-to-day activities: collecting ghost droppings, caring for a very expired tangerine he believed to be a monster egg, or observing the toilet paper roll which he believed to be haunted. At least building a robot replica of himself involved real science.

Thinking it would be a gesture of encouragement, Membrane decided to help fix the lifeless robot. He grabbed an electrical pronged cord, because as a super scientist you are required to have those things in arm's reach at any given time. He shoved the end into MiniMoose's hole — or more specifically, his mouth.

A few clicks and electrical whirrings later, MiniMoose sprang awake. "Rebooting," he said in Dib's voice.

Membrane stepped back and put his hands on his hips proudly. "There! Now no one can say I'm not a GREAT father despite my INSANE son!"

Too bad he couldn't even answer the question: Do you know where your children are?

* * *

"What's going on? I can't hear anything!"

"Maybe if you closed your cake-hole, you could!"

"Technically it would be my pretzel-stick-dipped-in-cheddar-cheese-hole, since that's what I'm eating right now," said Purple, then shoving a pretzel-clutching fist dripping with cheese into his mouth.

Red threw his arms up. "Just be quiet already!"

The two sat in silence. A faint screaming sound was heard.

"What was that?"

"A scream? Is that what we're supposed to be listening for?"

"Nah, that could have come from anywhere. Screaming is a normal occurrence on the Massive. We all do it. Even us. See?" Red hit a button, turning the power off Purple's floating lounge chair.

"WAAHHH!" yelled Purple as the chair immediately stopped hovering and fell to the ground.

"Told ya."

"Whoa! That was rude!" Narrowing his eyes at the way Red was cracking up, Purple too hit a button to cut off the other Tallest's chair.

Red hit the ground with a thud. "Hey! You almost made me spill my marzipan-covered nuts! And not just any nuts … they're CASHEWS."

"They pale in comparison to the almighty peanut."

The Irkens at the control panel exchanged confused glances.

"Blasphemy! That's it … prepare for war! I declare a FOOD FIGHT!" Red grabbed some unbaked cookie dough and tossed it at Purple, hitting him right in the face. Yes, they do have these kinds of foods laying around at their disposal.

"Eat vegetarian chili, you nut-lover!" said Purple, wiping the dough off and throwing chili directly at Red.

Red dodged. "Try some of this!" A white substance flew across the room and hit Purple.

Purple blinked through it, the stuff now all over his face. "Eew, what is this?"

"Fungicide ointment!"

"That's not a food! I'll get you for this!" Purple laughed and chased after Red.

All and all, it was just another day at the Massive. Accomplishing nothing, the day being consumed by snacks and silly arguments — yep, business as usual.

But through all this childish banter, they had missed out on a different exchange of words — one that was very important to a certain somewhat insane boy.

* * *

And so Zim had a "??" moment.

He glared deeply into Dib's eyes; however, now matter how hard he did, all he saw was Tak.

But in his head resonated those three telling words: "_I AM DIB_."

It was eerily quiet. There wasn't even a creak from the house, a hum from an air condition, a cricket chirping — nothing. Just silence … until things started to fall into place. The little things that Zim's stupidity had glossed over, all of Dib's near slips, his mannerisms and speech that simply weren't Tak. It finally dawned on him. And it felt like a crotch-hit to his ego.

Thus, he exploded: "DIB, YOU SNIVELING PIG-WEASEL-WORM FOOL! HOW DARE YOU TRICK ME AND COME INTO MY BASE! AAUUGH!"

This next part was spoken with the same inflection, but I will turn my caps-lock off as I know it is not easy on the eyes.

"I can't believe I let your filthy human self — ugh, in my house! You horrible Earth monkey! I should kill you where you stand! Say goodbye to your organs, Dib!"

Dib took an apprehensive step backwards, his hand slowly reaching for his backpack where a concealed weapon lay.

"I hope you know it's over, Dib-thing. You're in my base. Levels below surface. There is no escape from the MIGHTY ZIM here. The house computer obeys my every command." Zim snapped his fingers.

A laser shot the weapon Dib had just drawn into dust. His eyes widened as he recoiled his hand in pain.

Zim looked up. "Well, I meant for the computer to bring me a delicious beverage, but that will do."

Dib gritted his teeth nervously. "You can't kill me, Zim."

Zim laughed maniacally. "Of course I can! I AM ZIM!"

"If you do, it'll be suicide."

Zim narrowed his eyes. "An invader does not know the meaning of the word 'suicide'!" He paused. "Well, we know the definition, but we won't do it. Unless we have to for the sake of the mission, or things are just getting really depressing, or ..."

Dib shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

Zim shot a claw in Dib's direction. "DON'T YOU MOVE!" he snapped.

Dib put his arms up.

"Now where was I …? Ah, well. It doesn't matter because I'm going to kill you now." With a devilish grin on his face, Zim edged closer to the boy.

"Zim … listen …"

He paused. "You know, it's zimteresting. How this all played out."

"… did you just say 'zimteresting'?"

Zim continued, not listening to anyone but himself. "I've tried to destroy you so many times, yet the way I finally succeed … I didn't even plan. This was _your _doing, Dib. _You_ came here. _You_ set this up. And you blew it." Zim put his hand to his chin. "Looks bad on my part, now that I think about it, but it really says more about you, Dib-worm."

"I have news for you," said Dib, finally starting to show some backbone. "I've been in contact with your leaders as Tak. They think she's dead now. And that you're responsible. They're going to deactivate you for murder."

Zim's eyes widened as his words sunk in. The Tallests hadn't really heard Dib's splashings or fake cries for help, but this fact was unknown to them both.

"If you kill me now, it'll only seal the deal: you'll have killed Tak for real." Dib grimaced. '_Why'd I have to accidentally rhyme when I'm trying to sound all cool and dramatic?'_

Zim thought hard. Well, hard for him. And he just kept thinking, not saying a word. Perhaps he was nearing another "??" moment.

Dib wondered what Zim was thinking. '_Is Zim smart enough to realize that his fate is probably the same whether he kills me or not? Because I sure hope not.'_

Interrupting Dib's thoughts, Zim rose onto his spider legs. His facial expression was nearly blank, though he glared downwards into Dib's eyes. One spider leg lifted and jabbed towards Dib's face, stopping inches before it touched. The tip of it spun into a fine point.

Dib's pupils dilated in fear as they watched the metal appendage in front of him. He was now pressed against the wall.

The sharp metal limb lowered itself from Dib's face, past his neck, his chest, and stopped at his abdomen. Then with a quick thrust, it stabbed itself deep inside the boy.

Things became hazy, and he dropped to his knees, clutching his middle. Dib felt a sharp pain, and then nothing. His muscles went limp, and he dropped to the floor.

THE END.

Nah, just kiddin'. To be continued, as always ...


	11. 360 Degree Turn

"Dear Diary,

Well, it seems I'm not long for this world. In fact, I'm fairly certain my death is imminent. But despite the fact that my life is being cut terribly short, I have no regrets! Actually, now that I think about it, I regret dressing up as Tak and coming to live in Zim's base. No, scratch that. I just regret blurting out that I'm me. That was pretty dumb. But oh well, can't do anything about that. Can't change the past. Unless I have a time machine, which I don't :(

What to write when you know you're going to die momentarily? Hmmm. I suppose I could confess some secrets. Let's see now. I like to—"

"Hey!" shouted Zim, approaching. "Shut your mouth, worm-baby! You're not writing in a diary, you're just talking to yourself out loud!"

Dib sighed. "I know. I just wanted to pretend I had someone to talk to in my final moments."

The boy was floating in a liquid-filled tube, deep in Zim's labs. After Zim's attack, he'd woken up there. It'd been an interesting hour or so for the little paranormal investigator. Being trapped in solitary confinement in his enemy's base waiting for a gruesome death is a perfect recipe for a mental breakdown. In fact, he went through the five stages of grief.

First, he was in denial.

'_This is NOT happening. I couldn't have been caught … I mean … there's no way I'd just spill the beans like that, you know?! This is all a dream … I'm having the worst nightmare of all, and soon I'll wake up and be in my bed and I'll go watch Mysterious Mysteries and eat Ho-Ho's. Mmmmyep.'_

Then, he was angry.

'_Ugh, this is all Zim's fault! That disgusting alien monster! He could have been a nice alien like ET or Allen Strange or the Yip Yips from Sesame Street, but nooooo he _had _to be bent on world domination. Why is it that I'm the only one responsible for trying to save this ungrateful planet?! I'm like eleven or something!'_

And bargaining …

'_Are you there, Cthulhu? It's me, Dib. I know things look bad but … if maybe, just maybe … I could somehow get out of this jam, I would be most grateful. I'm so young, you know? Maybe if I could just get past my teen years? No, wait, I'm dreading the teenage angs t… and I KNOW I'm gonna have it bad … but anyway, I still want to LIVE. Please?! FOR THE LOVE OF LOVECRAFT!'_

And then came depression …

'_It's not fair. I never should have done this. But then again … what did I have to live for? No one even believed me, I have no friends … and … oh no. Now I'm … emo? Now I know what being a teenager's like … woe is me!'_

Then finally, acceptance.

'_Well … I gotta go sometime, might as well be now. I probably would have wasted the rest of my life anyway. Hell, I might even go to heaven. If it exists. I probably shouldn't have said that if I want to get in. Oh well. I'll just float around in this purple watery stuff for a while now … ah, almost relaxing.'_

Dib had nearly lost his sanity, but luckily he'd escaped with a sliver left. For once in his life, he was almost happy to see that horrible alien monster walk in the room. At least he broke that unbearable silence — a habit of Zim's, really.

Dib looked down to Zim and spoke. "So … what happened?"

"I injected you with a sedative so your filthy, _wriggling_ body would not resist being put in a life-support tube." Zim made wriggling gestures with his hands as he spoke.

"With all your supposed advanced technology, couldn't you have done it in a less painful and dramatic way?"

"Of course! But what's the fun in that?" Zim smirked. "You're lucky, Dib-monkey. I do not know if you can COMPREHEND this, but I have decided _not_ to kill you."

For a moment, Dib was elated. So elated that he did a happy twirl in the tube and made a little 'eeeeeee' sound. But then he froze. Terrible, sick things ran through his head. He quickly realized that there are things worse than death.

Dib clasped his hands together, and had he not been suspended in goo he would have fallen to his knees. "No, please, Zim! Don't do that thing with the dangling pancreas!"

"Eh?" Zim shook himself, having forgot about his little rant in the second chap — er, earlier. "I thought long and hard when you said the Tallests planned to deactivate me. So hard that any of my organs vaguely connected to any involved in thought process oozed an OVER-THINKING goo. But then I reached a most clever idea." He was wearing that evil grin again. "I will disguise _you_ as _me_, and send you in my place. They'll kill you instead, and won't come looking for me because … well, I'll be dead to them. Everybody wins!"

"Except me!" said Dib, frowning.

"Hey!" interjected the computer. "_I _came up with that plan! You wanted to 'crosswire' his pulmonary veins with 'certain lung tubes' as you put it, to make his heart fill up with air and burst like a balloon … which I told you _would not work_."

"LIIIIES!" Zim began to repetitively kick the wall. "Uh! Uh! Uh!" he grunted. "That plan is one hundred percent mine, and is equal to or greater than my previous ones!"

"Zim, you idiot," said Dib, interrupting Zim's kicking. "Don't you realize that if you go through with this, you can never contact your leaders, your planet, or anyone else you've ever known again? In fact, your mission will effectively be terminated, and you'll have nothing to do here on Earth."

"FOOLISH EARTH CREATURE! I will still take over Earth and when I do, I will re-contact the Tallests, tell them of my accomplishments, they will understand and regret their mistake, and I will be crowned mini-Tallest." Zim paused. "That title doesn't exist but they will make it for me because I AM ZIM!"

"Somehow, I doubt that."

"You dare doubt ZIM?!" he screeched. "That's it, gimme your lung tubes!"

The computer feigned a cough.

"Er, I mean … prepare for step ONE of my new amazing plan." He hesitated. "Well, there's only one step. No, two … STOP INTERRUPTING ZIM!"

"I'm not—"

Zim pushed a button and a floating monitor appeared in front of him. "Now … to disguise you as me. COMPUTER! Project a disguise full of wonderful Zimmy-ness!"

On the screen appeared a flawless depiction of Zim. Down to the last detail, there was not a difference between the real Zim and the picture on the monitor, except the 2-D-ness. Well, Zim's actually 2-D too … so really it was perfect.

"Ugh, that looks nothing like ZIM. I am clearly two Earth inches taller!"

"How can you tell? There is no size reference!" said Dib.

"Yes, there is. Right there, that human liver to the left of me," Zim said, pointing.

"That's a bean! … wait, why is there a bean stuck to your monitor? … urgh, nevermind! Just put me out of my misery! Wait—"

"SILENCE!"

"Mmmm, beanie weenies!" exclaimed GIR sitting the corner, shoveling the food into his mouth with a garden trowel.

Zim looked to the robot with one narrowed eye, then turned back to Dib. "Erm, just ignore him." After a few more flicks of his hand, the computer beeped and whirred as it prepared to project the disguise onto Dib.

The boy was bathed in a bright light shooting from the ceiling. For reasons unknown except maybe to filthy, sick Vortian scientists, the process of being disguised felt like your flesh was being scraped off by hundreds of letter openers.

"AAUGGH, GOD!" screamed Dib, the pain consuming his body. Finally the light shut off and his skin stopped burning. There he floated, his skin partly green patches mixed with a whitish-tan flesh color. His eyes were so clearly contacts, not even being the correct size. One of them was actually jutting off his eye. Somehow Zim's outfit looked even more like a dress on Dib, and his PAK was just a silver and pink backpack. In summation, his Zim disguise was perhaps even worse than Zim's human disguise.

"BRILLIANT!" said Zim, oblivious to how awful it looked.

Dib slowly blinked. "Why does my burning flesh smell like corndogs?"

"What? You've never smelt burning flesh before?" scoffed Zim.

Dib sighed. "You wouldn't happen to have an L-pill around here, would you? I'm only somewhat being sarcastic."

"You disgust me, Dib-human. Now pack your bags, because you're going on a little trip."

"… trip?"

"Oh, wait, you don't need to pack because you'll be DEAD. HA!" Zim cackled. "Since the Massive's coordinates are ever-changing, I'll be stuffing you into an auto-piloted ship which will take you to Irk."

"AWESOME!"

Zim cocked an eyebrow.

"Not awesome that I'm going to killed … but wow, an alien planet! Neat!"

"Neat?! You won't think it's neat when they're EATING YOUR BRAIN WITH ICE CREAM SCOOPS!"

"Eew, your species does that?"

"No, but I'll write it down on a note and tape it to your head to do so if you don't CLOSE YOUR MOUTH-HOLE AND LET ME FINISH!"

Dib rolled his eyes and made a circling motion with his hand, meaning for Zim to continue.

"Thank you," he spat. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes, I'll send you to Irk where they will send you to planet Judgementia to be deactivated by the Irken control brains."

"Why don't you just send me to Judgementia?"

Zim glanced around. "I … don't know their coordinates. You'll get there eventually." With the mash of another button, a small, rickety spaceship crashed through the wall. "This shall be your vehicle. It's a short trip, only six months away."

Suddenly the glass tube encasing Dib shattered, and he spilled onto the floor. Metal tentacles snaked themselves around him, quickly pulling him into the ship. Twelve seatbelts fastened around Dib at once, squeezing him like a straightjacket.

Dib squirmed in the seat. "Zim! You're making a huge mistake! I'll die in a few days without food and water!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot. No matter, I shall stock the ship full of saltwater taffy and Snapple."

"That's not enough to keep me alive!"

"QUIET! I've done enough research on your _filthy_ human bodies to know what keeps them alive. I've lost plenty of test subjects learning that."

"… what?"

"Goodbye, Dib! Say hello to the Control Brains for me!" With a gleeful smile, Zim once again pressed a button and the ship hummed to life. It crashed through the ceiling, busted through the dirt to the surface, and flew off into the sky.

* * *

_A/N: Psychology students may recognize the Kubler-Ross model, others were probably confused. _


	12. Aboard the SS Crappy Cruiser

"Forty-seven bottles of Tang on the wall … forty-seven bottles of Tang. Take one down, pass it around, forty-six bottles of Tang on the wall."

Dib sighed. He was still strapped in a seat of Zim's spaceship on autopilot to Irk. But don't feel too sorry for him — he'd actually started at forty-seven, not one hundred bottles of Tang. I'd say he was pretending to have sung that long for pity, but there was no one else aboard.

'_I should try to figure out how to escape from these seat belts,'_ he thought. '_Most of Zim's stuff is voice-activated. If only I could figure out what the trigger word for release is …'_

"Release." Nothing. "Unlock. Free. Unfasten. Detach. Sixth synonym. Ohhh," he groaned. "It's hopeless! I'll never figure it out! … unless, it's a random word. Like … banana. Amoeba. Noodles. Arsonist."

Still, nothing happened.

Dib frowned and sank a little in the seat. "I give up."

_BEEP BEEP BEEP! _

"Oh, boy! Did I say the secret word?!"

The ship gave a rumble, and a red light flashed on and off.

"Cruiser is under attack," said a monotone computer voice. "Please employ escape pod or await doom."

Dib grimaced. '_This can't be good …'_

"Cruiser is being boarded by intruder," said the computer. "Weapons activating. Weapon activation failure. Prepare snappy or meaningful last words for death."

"Oh, I've done that lots of times. I like 'Agent Mothman — The Final Chapter Ends,' or the classic, 'Goodbye cruel world!' or 'Look for me when I'm a ghost!'"

"Sensors indicate terrible last words. Total failure."

Dib furrowed his brow. "Hey!"

On the outside of the ship, a small vessel had attached itself to where the entrance was. The hatch opened and a silhouette's figure hung in the doorway.

"Look for me when I'm a gho—" Dib was forced to stop when the intruder jumped on top of him and struck his face. "Hey! What was that for?!"

"Shut up, you insignificant insect! Prepare for a merciless death!" snapped the intruder.

"You know how many times I've done that today?" said Dib casually. Then he did a double-take. "TAK?!" Once again, Dib had a "??" moment.

"Yesss," she hissed. "How stupid of you to fly your cruiser right in my pod's projected path. I told you I'd come back, but it looks like you've made my job easier."

"Tak … you're alive?"

"Of course I'm alive!" She rose onto her spider legs. "I was blasted into space, not into bits!" She smirked and looked down. "Wow, Zim, you've really let yourself go."

Dib glanced over himself. "What?! No, I'm not Zim! This is a disguise! And a crappy one at that!"

"How dumb do you think I am?" she said, narrowing her eyes.

He hesitated. "I'm not sure. Less dumb than Zim but—"

"I AM A GENIUS!" she screeched. "And of course you are Zim. My pod indicated an Irken vessel, with Zim's tag on it."

"This is Zim's ship, but I'm not Zim! I'm Dib!"

"Nice try, Zim." She paused. "Actually, no it wasn't. Terrible try. Why would that Earth kid be out in the middle of space in your ship disguised as you?"

"It's a long, long story. Probably boring too — if it was typed up and put on the Internet I doubt anyone would even read it unless they were crazy. But it all started with seahorses. Did you know the male has the babies? Did that just blow your mind? Because that feeling, well it has a name—"

"UGH! SILENCE!" she screamed, grabbing his mouth shut. "I want to hear myself talk for a change. Now I will now proceed to tell you my plan. Do not question it."

Dib whined, his mouth still clasped closed.

"First, I'm going to kill you. Then, I'm going to hijack this ship, turn it around, and go back to Earth. There I'll take over your mission, but with an even better plan than before. You see, I originally thought that Earth was useless. Just a waste of time. Until the meat …"

Dib's eyes widened.

"Through my research on Earth, and with _you _as my guinea pig, I have learned that our species does not tolerate this substance well. You have personal experience with its flesh burning abilities. Its potential as a weapon is immense. So I thought to myself — well, this planet is crawling with meat. And not just from what those humans consider 'lesser animals.' Why, the humans themselves are full of meat!"

'_Holy crap, is it possible that she's even crazier than Zim? Maybe it's an Irken thing …'_

"I shall round up all the humans and animals, put them in a huge meat grinder, and use that to further our Irken galactic conquest! The Tallests will surely be impressed."

"Ummph! Ummph!"

Tak finally let go of his mouth.

It took a second for Dib to catch his breath. "Tak! Don't go through with it! I mean … come on, humans taste bad, I'm sure!"

"What, do you know from personal experience?" she snapped. Then she rolled her eyes. "And besides, we're not going to eat them, _idiot_. We're going to throw it. Surely you remember when I did this to you?"

"Yes, but that was Zim, not me!"

Tak reached inside her pocket and pulled out a large Deelishus Weenie. Without a pause she smacked Dib upside the head with it. "Knock that off already."

Dib's pupils rolled around a bit under his contacts, as his balance was thrown off.

"I see you're not smoking with pain. Guess I'll have to pull out the big guns." She grinned evilly and pulled out an even larger weenie, this one dripping with hot sauce. Once again, she hit his face with it.

"Hey! Cut that out!"

"Your flesh? It's not … burning in agony?" She narrowed her eyes again. "What is this?"

"I'm not Irken, I'm Dib! Dib Dib Dib Dib Dib! Dee-eye-bee, DIB!"

"If you're Dib, then why are you mostly green? With Zim's clothes? And antenna?"

"Isn't it obvious they're made of licorice?! Please, get me out of these restraints and I'll prove I'm Dib!"

For a moment, she thought about it. But then she wondered what the point was. "You realize I'm going to kill you regardless, right?"

"I figured as much. But that's okay, I guess. I already went through the five stages of grief so I'm good."

"Wait." Her eyes widened. "If you're Dib, then you're made of meat! Valuable, useful, filthy meat!"

His face fell. "Umm …"

"I can kill you and harvest your flesh right here, right now!"

"Yeah, um, that's a little disturbing …"

"Is it? Is it _really?_" She edged in closer. "I'm apparently speaking to a member of a species who enjoys putting these in their mouths." She hung the weenie in his face. "By the way, do you want this? Because I have a ton of them leftover from that whole weenie stand thing, and they're starting to stink up the pod."

Dib shook his head. "Not anymore."

"You sure? It could be like a last meal type of thing."

"No, I'm good."

There was an awkward pause.

Finally, Tak narrowed one eye. "I guess I should kill you now," she said with a shrug.

"It's your job … I guess."

"Very well then. Goodbye, Dib."

"Look for me when I'm a ghost!" he shouted, bracing himself.

Suddenly, Tak jammed her gloved hand deep inside Dib's abdomen, almost like she had super strength. She pierced his flesh and reached deep inside of him.

The boy only gasped in pain.

Tak poked her tongue out as she felt around. "Mmm-hmm … mmm-hmm … yes, very nice, full of dangerous organs … hmm, squishy …" After a few seconds, she finally pulled one out. It was his spleen.

Dib opened his eyes to see her looking over his organ in deep thought. "It's funny," he said weakly. "Zim did something a bit like this once …"

Dropping the spleen, her eyes immediately locked with his. "What did you say?"

"He … he gathered up our classmates' organs once … he collected them one by one and…."

"_I_ have a plan similar to one of _Zim's?!" _she asked in shock. For a few moments she just stood there, frozen.

"Tak …?"

Suddenly she crammed the organ back inside of Dib. "UMPH!" he grunted.

"I … can't believe it … have I really sunk _that_ low?"

"Y-yes!" Dib stammered. "You should abandon it, unstrap me, get back in your escape pod to never return, let me go back to Earth, and maybe give me some bitchin' alien gadget to take back with me as a souvenir. Yeah, that'd be great."

The Irken before him was now shaking. On her out-stretched arm formed a small device with the words, 'Self-destruct.' Her trembling finger hovered above the button.

"Yeah, do it!" he said after reading the words. "… NO WAIT!"

She glanced over to him, still wearing a wild expression on her face.

"Will that destroy just you or will I be killed too?"

"There will be an explosion of enormous immensity! It has the power to destroy twelve Earth moo-cows!"

"Oh. THEN _DON'T_ DO IT!"

"Too late," she said. "I can't go on living knowing I'm only slightly better than Zim."

"Aw, come on!" Dib was grasping for straws here. "You're more than slightly better than him! In fact, I'm sure you're even _somewhat_ better than him!"

"What do _you_ care? You're going to die no matter what. At least this way I won't destroy your planet and harvest your species' meatiness."

Dib blinked. "Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Go ahead and do it then."

They both winced as her finger drew closer and closer to the button.

And then, she pushed it.

And the whole ship exploded.

And both Tak and Dib were killed.

And then Dib woke up.

He looked around. Still strapped in the seat. No Tak. No ship outside the door.

"Holy deus ex machina! Another terrible nightmare?!" He sighed. "Oh well. Probably for the best."

Just then his chair fell over. Dib was now on his side, but unable to get up due to the restraints. Briefly he squirmed in vain to escape, but then simply let his muscles fall limp.

"… crap."

* * *

_Damn, I love messing with my readers._


	13. Unlucky Chapter 13

"Come, GIR!" said Zim loudly. "We must entrap another test subject to replace that Nick kid. I've got the trapping container … where did you put the Vienna sausages?"

GIR smiled. "I hid them!"

"What?! Where?! I need those for bait!"

"In my tummy!"

Zim rolled his eyes and turned to walk towards the elevator. But just as he rounded a certain corner, he heard a sound. "An intruder?! GIR, prepare for defensive mode!"

"WHY DO _I _ALWAYS HAVE TO DO DEFENSIVE MODE?!" he sobbed, covering his face with his paws.

"Not _that_ kind of defensive. I meant get your weapons ready!"

"Ohhh, okay!" GIR grinned and then jumped in the 'trapping container,' which was really just a cardboard box with 'FedEx' written on the side.

Zim growled. "At least give me the Vienna sausages! What if it's a Weenian whose sole purpose is to crave tubular-shaped meat?! Or … TAK! She's around here somewhere …" Zim quickly looked around.

GIR blinked.

"COMPUTER!" Zim shouted. "Run a scan of the house and tell the location of my servant, Tak."

"Tak was never here," said the computer. "That was Dib disguised as her. He told this to you and you sent him in one of your old ships to Irk … seriously, you don't remember this? It wasn't that long ago."

"Of course I remember! The almighty Zim does not forget! _Neverrrr!_" Zim clawed at the air.

"I guess you didn't forget about the 'intruder' either," said the computer sarcastically.

"What intruder?! Someone dares defile my compound?!" Zim narrowed his eyes. "Bring me my trapping container and some Vienna sausages, I've got a plan …"

GIR popped out of the box. "NO PACKING PEANUTS?!" He started to sob. "The Styrofoam elephants will starve!"

"GIR! Empty yourself before ZIM!"

"There is no intruder," said the computer, annoyed. "If you'd allow me to explain, that sound was actually a live feed from a nearby monitor. It's been left on for a few hours now—"

"But I haven't contacted anyone," Zim snapped. "Unless … GIR! You haven't been calling any more of those horrible numbers you see on TV again, have you?"

"Nuh-uh. I already ate all the Aqua Dots!" The little robot grinned. "They left me alllll sticky!"

Zim shuttered. "Then the computer _must_ be lying, because I haven't called anyone."

"Computers do not lie."

"YES, THEY DO! Because I was NOT _just selected to win a free iPod Nano!_ BUT THE VOICE SAID I DID!" Zim was now screaming. "Earth Internet is full of LIIIIIES!" He shuttered again. "Among … other things … ugh…."

"Just look at the monitor!" commanded the computer, growing ever more irritated by the two of them.

"Very well. I shall look at the screen, but know that it will be PURE BLACK, as no one has placed a call."

The computer sighed.

* * *

"Supplies … running thin. Morale…. nearly shot. Only a couple … marshmallows left. I fear this is the end."

"But, sir! You cannot give up hope!"

Tallest Purple looked over to the control panel servant. They and a couple other servants were crouched behind one of the large lounge chairs that had fallen earlier.

"Maybe you're right. Bring me … the NACHOS!"

Across the room, Red too was hiding, along with the other half of the servants. "Status report," he demanded.

"We're now out of flan."

"HOLY IRK, WE'RE DONE FOR! This is the most treacherous food fight I've ever led." Red looked downwards solemnly. "And while I know deep in my squeedly splooch that this is the reason I was made Tallest — to win delicious battles such as these — I'm afraid the end is near."

"Shall I raise the white flag, sir?"

After a nod from Red, the servant took a napkin and tied it to a churro. They raised it high and waved it for the others to see.

"Sir! They're surrendering!" said one of Purple's minions.

"You'll be executed for that lie, you little traitor." Purple pointed a claw in his direction. "Perhaps we'll ground you up, and make you into something to throw … meatloaf, perhaps?"

"But it's true! Look!"

The Tallest turned to see to the white napkin waving in the air. "Whoa! It's the white flag of DOOM!"

"… sir?"

"The white flag of DOOM means they're _doubly_ challenging us! Quickly! The nachos!"

Red poked his head up from behind the chair. "What's going on? Can't you see our white — AUUGH, IRK!" Just then a nacho flew across the room and lodged itself in his eye. "It even has salsa on it! OHH, IT BURNS!"

"VICTORY!"

"My Tallests?!" Zim was sitting behind a piece of equipment in front of the monitor, out of sight. "What are they doing on one of my screens?!" he said in a hushed tone. "… they must be calling to make me MINI-TALLEST! No, wait … they think I'm dead."

"Maybe they want to bury you!" exclaimed GIR. "With blueberries!"

"That's not what 'bury' means, GIR …"

"DINGLEBERRIES!"

"It's _Tak_ they think is dead," said the computer. "That's why you sent Dib disguised as you to Irk."

"DO NOT PATRONIZE ZIM!" he shouted upwards. Then for a moment he thought. "GIR … I need you to do the most important mission of your tiny, insignificant life. Can you handle this?"

The robot gave a thumbs-up.

"I'm serious. I need you to tell the Tallests that I am on my way to Irk to be deactivated."

"YOU ARE?!" GIR started to cry. "But … I'm gonna miss you!" Using his jets in his feet, GIR flew across the room and latched onto Zim's head. "WAHHHH!"

"GIR, get off! The Tallests will hear us!" With a quick thrust, he pried GIR off and tossed him in plain view of the monitor. "Now say it!"

"Say what?"

Zim growled. "Say I'm on my way to Irk!"

"Ohhh-OOHH! Gotcha!" GIR turned to the screen. "Heya, Tallies!"

"Tall_ests_," Zim whispered harshly from the shadows.

Purple had just exclaimed 'VICTORY!' when he heard the high-pitched voice. "Huh? Who said that?" He peered into the fourth wall.

GIR stared back, his tongue poking out. "Zim told me to tell you, he's going to … umm ..."

"Eew, it's Zim's robot thing," said Purple, grimacing. "Well, out with it!"

"… he's gonna … weigh on Irk."

Zim face-palmed.

Red walked onto the screen, the nacho still stuck in his eye. "Thanks a lot! This is already getting infected! … what is _that_?"

"Zim's robot. Apparently Zim is coming back to Irk to weigh it."

Red cocked an eyebrow. "_Weigh_ Irk?"

"No, GIR!" Zim whispered from the side. "Say I'm coming back to my home planet to be deactivated!"

GIR nodded and faced the Tallests. "Zim says I'm coming back to my home planet to be … um … de-maculated."

The Tallests glanced at each other.

"NO!" said Zim, still forced to hush his voice. "Tell them I'm on a ship heading for Irk!"

"Chocolate Chips Ahoy!" GIR said to the Tallests.

Zim growled under his breath. "Oh, Tallests!" he called, making his voice high-pitched. "What I meant to say is that Zim is aboard a cruiser going to Irk to be deactivated for killing Tak! _I AM GIR!"_

Purple narrowed one eye. "Who is GIR?"

Red looked over to him. "Tak is dead?"

Zim tensed from his hiding spot — he couldn't see the Tallests from where he sat.

"Hold on," said Red. "Why would Zim just surrender himself like that?"

"Yeah," agreed Purple. "That doesn't make sense. If this is an elaborate ruse, it sure hasn't been thought through very well."

"Umm … uhh ..." Zim was speaking as GIR again, beginning to panic. "Well, I gotta go now! Dead bodies don't dispose of themselves!" He lowered his voice. "GIR, get out of there!"

GIR ran away, his arms flailing. "I SAW A TACO-EYE!"

* * *

'_God. I wonder how long I've been laying here.'_

"Computer?"

The computer beeped.

"What time is it?"

"Thirteen o'clock."

"That's not a real time!"

"My sensors indicate that the time is indeed thirteen o'clock, by Irken time."

"Oh." Dib paused. "You're not like Zim's house computer. Zim's house computer would have said it was thirteen o'clock just to mess with me."

"You are correct. I am a different computer. We are different operating systems."

"Kinda like PC versus Mac?"

"No. Not like that."

"Oh." Dib rolled over to his other side. "Could you maybe loosen these restraints?"

"Not until you say my activation code."

"So I was right about that! I guess gotta guess it. Hmmm … is it 'melons'?"

"Negative."

"Twinkies?"

"Negative."

"Fruit Roll Ups? … man, I am really hungry. All I can think of is food."

A crate of saltwater taffy dropped in front of him. "These are provided for sustenance," said the ship's computer.

Dib engulfed his face in the candies, eating even the wrappers. "You realize," he said in between bites. "… that this is not enough to keep me alive."

"I only do as I am programmed to do."

"Hmmm … maybe there's some way to hack into you, rewrite your program, and turn this ship around …"

_DING DING DING!_

Dib grinned. "I said the activation word?!"

"Negative. That is an alarm. The cruiser has been entrapped by a tractor beam from another vessel. We cannot escape."

"… thirteen is not a lucky number, is it?"


	14. Welcome to Irk?

The Tallests, not exactly being the smartest creatures in the universe, were left quite confused by their conversation with GIR. They mulled it over and quickly lost interest, as Red's eye was still hurting and Purple … well, to say his attention span isn't too long is an understatement.

But one of the Irkens working at the control panel, who almost had some sense, suggested that what was said was actually almost important. So the Tallests demanded that he explain it to them — using 'visual aides,' and to have it done _before_ 13:00, Irken time.

The servant really didn't know what to use, so he just made a bar graph with what looked like the Irken version of Microsoft Paint. On one bar he typed, 'Tak is dead,' on another he typed, 'Zim is going to Irk to be deactivated,' and on the last one he simply typed 'Additional bar with message.'

The Tallests were impressed.

"Finally … the moment we've been waiting for," said Red. "Zim is going to be killed!"

"I'm ready!" Purple pulled out a giant foam hand with a picture of an Irken with X's for eyes on it.

"Me, too! I've got the ceremonial crackerjacks to eat while watching."

"How long do we have to wait anyway?" asked Purple.

"Approximately six months, sir," said a servant.

"Six months?!" exclaimed Red. "… what is that in Irken time?"

"About as long as it took to take over that planet where all the inhabitants were inside out."

"Eew, that planet was gross. WAIT! That's way too long to wait!"

"Yeah!" said Red. "We're _the Tallests_. We don't have to wait for anything. Fire up some filthy Vortian technology, because Zim's gonna get there a lot faster than outside-organ-time."

"Yes, sir." They remotely activated the most powerful tractor beam in the universe. From Irk it blasted through space, effectively sucking in some random objects like satellites and space hobos, and enveloped Zim's old ship.

"Reel 'im in!"

The forceful beam retracted, bringing back the cruiser that Dib was aboard.

"Hmmm," said Red, thinking. "Maybe we should have the tractor beam pull in the Massive too. We need to get over there to see Zim's inevitable painful death."

The control panel Irkens obeyed, and the Massive was sent flying through space. It landed hard against Irk's surface, squishing buildings and other Irkens just walking along. Everyone aboard the ship fell over on impact.

Purple held his head. "Next time … let's do it in a less head-hurty way."

"I think I need a doctor," said Red. He had landed on his face, pushing the nacho all the way inside his eye.

* * *

The impact when Dib's ship crashed into Irk was no less painful than it was for the Tallests. The restraints were only attached to the chair, so the chair went flying during the crash.

"Ship collision has occurred," said the computer.

"Ya think?"

Suddenly something cut a hole through the side of the ship like a space knife cuts through space butter. Things are more easily cut if they're from space … but that's common knowledge.

An Irken stood in the doorway, wielding a laser gun. "Freeze! I have been instructed by the Tallests to escort you to your fixed trial and execution!"

Dib sighed. "This is another nightmare. I've got to be dreaming. Soon I'll wake up and look around and go 'it was a dream?' and finally go to the bathroom, because you have no idea how badly I have to go. Seriously, I'm about to piss my pants and your laser gun is NOT helping."

The Irken scratched his head with the laser gun. "You're awfully calm for someone who's about to die." Now this Irken needs to be named, but since I'm sure I'll piss off the readers with a fancharacter, I'll just let this guy be Skoodge. Everybody loves Skoodge!

Skoodge took a step closer. "Irktacular," he said. That was, after all, the universal release word. Even for other planets, despite the fact that that doesn't make sense.

The restraints around Dib fell limp. The boy blinked and stretched out his arms. "I'm free!"

Skoodge held the gun in Dib's face. "Not really."

* * *

The two walked along the Irken street. Skoodge was one step behind Dib, with the gun pressed against his back.

"This is AMAZING!" said Dib in awe, trying to look everywhere at once. "A whole 'nother planet! Wow … look at all these aliens! And weird gadgets! I think I'm having a '??' moment!"

Skoodge looked to him with one narrowed eye. "Zim, this is your home planet."

"I'm not Zim! … WHOA, is that some kind of spectacular weapon over there?!"

"No … that's an automatic pretzel dispenser."

"_Wow_."

With his free hand, Skoodge uncrumpled a small piece of paper. On it was scribbled, '98234092834 Vex Avenue.' Irkens have a lot of numbers in their addresses.

"I think we're almost there," said Skoodge, then he shoved the paper in his mouth and swallowed it.

"Did you do that to keep safe some secret information written on that paper?" asked Dib.

"No, I did it because I kept it in the same pocket I kept my cheeseballs in, and there was some cheese dust on it so I ate it."

"Did you know there's a stain on your shirt?"

"Hey! You need to keep quiet!" said Skoodge. "Because the Tallests sent me on this special mission, and I cannot disappoint them by messing it up! They told me, 'This is a very dangerous mission, due to Zim's volatility, so go in place of a good soldier.'"

"Ouch … they don't seem to like you very much."

"They will after this! I'll have had a hand in destroying one of the few Irkens even more despised than myself … you!"

"This is going to sound crazy, but I'm not Zim. I'm actually a kid from this planet called Earth." Dib gestured to himself. "Can't you tell by this pathetic disguise?"

"No. I just thought you were ugly."

"Well, what about my girlish voice?"

"Stop trying to distract me from my mission!"

"Listen …" Dib stopped walking. "If you let me go … you could come back to Earth and live with Zim. Who knows, maybe you could dress up like ghosts with him and try to scare me?"

Skoodge cocked an eyebrow. "That sounds like a hilarious unaired episode, but I'm gonna have to decline. The Tallests are counting on me!"

Dib hesitated. "Well … are they counting on GIANT GUMDROPS TO HOVER IN THE SKY?!" He pointed behind him.

Skoodge turned around. "Huh? Those are promotional props for the fabulous gumdrop company — OH, CRUD." When he'd looked back, Dib was gone. The Irken hung his head in shame … which was not easy, as his fatness sort of makes him neckless. "The Tallests are gonna shoot me out of something again for this."

Dib was supposed to be on planet Judgementia, but the Tallests were not thinking things through. Stupidity had once again altered things for Dib, but maybe this time it wasn't necessarily in a bad way. Not in a good way either, considering he's just a step ahead of death, but at least he finally had an opportunity to do what he'd intended to do at the very beginning: learn about Irkens.

He even remembered his original notes, taken from Ms. Bitters' opening rant about seahorses. Number one: daily life and activity.

Dib glanced around at the bustling life surrounding him. And he kept watching. After a few moments, he sat down Indian style to continue his observing.

One Irken stopped and looked down at him. "Get a job, ya bum."

"Fascinating," said Dib. "Apparently these Irkens are not that much different than humans."

"Oh, you're crazy," said the Irken. "How original. If you get up, I can give you a swift kick in the behind to the nearest crazy-house."

"So Irkens have insane asylums too — amazing! Tell me, please, more about this planet! And your daily activities!"

"You're lucky I'm late for my job at the fabulous gumdrop company, or I'd give you a big steaming bite full of laser," he said before walking away.

Dib stood up triumphantly. "Aside from probably dying soon, this is the best day ever!" He stopped and pointed at a female Irken. "You there!"

She ceased her walking and faced him. "Who, me?"

"Yeah! Quickly, tell me all about your history and evolution!" Dib leaned in anxiously. "Those are next on my list."

The Irken blinked hard. "Is this one of those hidden camera shows?"

"HEY! ZIM!" shouted an angry, chubby voice. "Get back over here!"

Dib looked over to see Skoodge, just rounding a corner. "GAHH!" He dashed off, throwing his arms up.

Skoodge slumped over. "Oh, come on … I have to run? I'm not built for that ..." After a few sprinting steps, he stopped and doubled over panting. "I … can't … do … this …" he said in between breaths, and fell over.

Dib wasn't in top condition to run either. After all, he was hungry, tired, dehydrated, suffering from multiple "??" moments, and had a bladder as full as a hot air balloon. Yes, that analogy makes sense.

But he could certainly outrun Skoodge. "I'm doing it!" he exclaimed, looking over his shoulder at Skoodge's figure getting smaller and smaller as he ran. "I'm doing it! I'm getting aw — WAHH!"

Dib fell into a hole.

* * *

_A/N: It's a little known fact but reviews make the fanfiction world go 'round. You should thank me for sharing this knowledge by leaving one. _

……_yes, I know I lack subtlety :P_


	15. Ring Ring, It's a Homophone!

_Caaaaw._

"SILENCE, ISOLENT EARTH BIRD!"

_Caaaaw._

"I SAID QUIET, FILTHY FEATHER BEAST!"

_Caaaaw._

Zim growled and shook the flimsy tree. "SHUT UP!" he screeched.

_Caaaaw._

"You are just jealous that you are not the greatest of the Earth creatures: the mighty seahorse!"

Zim was in the backyard, attempting to carry out the latest of his idiotic plans. One by one, he's brought out the 'seahorses' and their supposed eggs with utmost care to the wet tents outside.

He returned to his 'seahorses,' which were in fact water-grow sponge toys, and grinned evilly. "Soon my plan for de-volving will be complete. The nursery is going ..." He hesitated. "… swimmingly. Yes, that word fits well. Zim is a master of WORDS!"

Suddenly, the Irken felt eyes on him. He turned around and screamed, "GET OUT OF HERE, BIRD!"

But then he opened his eyes. It wasn't the bird this time. No, a boy was standing there in the yard. A boy wearing a trench coat, scythed black hair, and glasses. I hope you know who it is.

"DIB?!" Zim had a "??" moment, nearly tripping. "You're … you're…. dead!"

He blinked hard. "I am?"

"YES! I sent you to the Tallests! By the way, how are they? We never have small talk anymore. In fact, just the other day, I asked, 'so, how's galactic conquest coming along? Nice massacring weather, eh?' and they totally blew me off …" Zim realized he was going off on a tangent. "I mean … YEAH, YOU'RE DEAD!"

"… I don't feel dead."

"You MUST be! No one escapes from the Almighty Tallests! Unless they do, like you!"

"… what?"

Zim gasped. "You're a zombie, aren't you?!"

"If you say so."

"You are!" The Irken took a step backwards. "There is not a single other logical explanation! NONE!"

"There isn't?"

"You'll never stop me, heh heh …" Zim's wide eyes glanced over to the sponges on the tents. "Now, my minions! ATTACK!" Zim actually expected the 'seahorses' to get up and defend him. But, being inanimate objects, they simply lay there.

"… am I supposed to be doing something?"

Zim threw his arms up and ran inside screaming. "ABORT! ABORT!"

* * *

"Everyone knows alien zombies are the most notorious enemies in the universe," said a panicked Zim. "Even a disgusting little _smeet_ knows that."

"ZOMBIES?!" GIR began to spin wildly, spilling Kool Aid everywhere.

"YES! There's only one way to kill a zombie …" His eyes narrowed. "… and that's a steak through the heart."

"A stake?"

"No, a steak. The food."

The house computer, who could not contain himself any longer, pretended to clear his throat in annoyance. "That's vampires." There was a pause. "… and how did you hear the difference in a homophone anyway?"

"Zim hears all kinds of phones!" The Irken then gasped. "Wait! Vampires and zombies aren't the same thing?!"

"No, they're not. Vampires suck your blood."

"Dib wants to suck my blood?!" Zim glanced downwards at his body, then braced himself. "He can't have my blood! I need it to run through my veins in a very giant radioactive rubber pants-like manner!"

"I just told you," said the computer with a sigh. "You're confusing zombies and vampires."

"So then what do zombies suck?"

"BRAAAAAAAAINS!" said GIR, jumping into the air and pointing at his head.

"Brains, eh?" Zim rubbed his chin. "I think I have an idea. All we need to do is get something to satiate his mighty craving for brainmeats. GIR!"

GIR saluted, red-eyed. "SIR!"

"First of all, don't call me a robot. Secondly … give me COTTON CANDY!"

GIR pulled some cotton candy on a stick out of his head. Yeah, he has some in there. Why wouldn't he?

"And now … catsup."

"You mean ketchup?" GIR held up a bottle of the condiment.

"No, catsup." Zim removed the stick from the cotton candy and drenched it in the entire bottle of ketchup.

The computer sighed again.

* * *

A certain moose was standing outside. Not in a room, just outside. And could he have "??" moments, he would have just then.

No, the boy Zim thought was Dib was none other than MiniMoose — still disguised from earlier. And the poor creature-weapon-thing was simply standing in confusion. He had no idea what he was supposed to do. Under Dib's — or for all he knew, Tak's — command, he was still ordered to take Dib's form and pretend to be him. But since his mission was over, he retreated back to the base for follow-up directions.

Which is why he was quite puzzled as to why Zim ran away screaming from him. Must have been because MiniMoose was an incredible, unstoppable weapon of mass destruction. Yeah, that had to be it.

_Caaaw._

MiniMoose looked up at the bird. And just as he did, something squishy hit him in the back of the head. He turned around and saw a dripping, pink mass on the ground in front of him.

"Eat your fill and be gone, Dib-zombie!" said Zim, popping out of a bush.

"I'm a bushbaby!" piped GIR. "GALAGO!"

"Quiet, GIR!" hushed Zim. "You'll give away our hiding spot!"

"But you just gave me a command," said MiniMoose.

"I did? Oh, yeah … DO NOT DISOBEY ZIM!"

"Yes, master!" MiniMoose bent down and picked up the ketchupy cotton candy. Zim had squished it all together in a tight little ball. MiniMoose stuffed it in his mouth and swallowed, grimacing.

Zim watched carefully. "Has that satisfied your brain-lust?"

"I don't know what that is." Turning around, he started to walk away.

"Hey! Where are you going?!"

"You told me to be gone."

Zim felt something was wrong but he couldn't put his finger on it. Maybe it was the way 'Dib' was talking. Maybe it was the way he wasn't trying to pounce on him and bring him to a lab somewhere for an autopsy. Or maybe it was the fact that he actually stuffed that nasty 'food' in his mouth. But something spurred a realization in Zim.

"Heeeeey …" said Zim, narrowing his eyes. "If you're a zombie … why aren't you a ghost?"

"… I didn't know either of those existed."

"Of course they do. Now, I demand to know how you got to be a brain-eating zombie, instead of a pathetic ghost! GHOSTS ARE LIKE TISSUE PAPER!"

"I cannot answer because I do not know!"

"Do it so I can raze my seahorses!"

"You mean 'raise'?"

"No, 'raze.' I don't need them if I become a zombie!" Suddenly Zim jumped at MiniMoose, raising onto his spider legs.

Despite the fact that MiniMoose was Zim's minion, he pulled out a few of his own weapons instinctively.

Zim gasped. "Dib! I had no idea you had plasma rays inside your head! Just when I think I had you humans figured out …"

The weapons charged for dramatic effect, locking in on the threatening Zim.

Zim shrieked and took a couple fearful steps backward. "GIR! HELP!"

"I can't!" called the robot's voice from a distance.

"Why not?!" Zim followed the sound of GIR's voice. It seemed to be coming from up above.

"I'm getting free strings of hamburger meat!" he said gleefully. Actually, they were worms from the caaaw-ing bird from before. GIR was sitting in its nest up in a tree, being fed by the animal. "I like you, hamburger bird."

Zim growled. "Get down from there! I can't do this all by myself! Well … I might, but I don't want to!"

In reality, MiniMoose had no intention of shooting the exposed weapons. He had simply pulled them out as a mechanical reflex to a threat. He stood, still confused, watching Zim panic.

"GAHH! He's ready to attack!" Zim pulled out a communicator, instead of a weapon like he should have had he not been a complete idiot. "MiniMoose! Come in! Wherever you've been, return to base immediately!"

The disguised MiniMoose started ringing.

Zim looked up. "Quiet, Dib! I'm trying to listen for MiniMoose!"

Just then, a coincidental little boy happened to be skipping along the sidewalk. He was thinking about his many days in therapy getting over his squirrelaphilia. That and his rainbow shirt.

"La la la la la la!" he sung merrily.

_Ring ring!_

"Is that my ringtone?!" he asked to no one in particular. "Maybe Zim is calling me?!"

It wasn't his ringtone because Keef didn't have a phone at all. He was simply obsessed, there's no way around it.

Keef knew he was right by Zim's house. He made sure he was never too far.

"I got your call, Zim!" he obliviously lied as he popped into the yard. This is a prime homophone opportunity, _if you catch my drift,_ but I won't go there.

"Keef?!" Zim gasped. "… you must be a zombie too!"

"Shall I destroy him, master?" asked MiniMoose.

"'Master'? Sure, go ahead."

_POW!_

It was that easy. One onomatopoeia, and Keef was gone … for now.

"I've never seen this side of you before, Dib," said Zim, putting his hands on his hips. "But I like it."

"I'm not Dib."

Zim chuckled. "That reminds me of something Tak said once." He brought his finger to his chin and grinned evilly. "Dib … maybe you can help me with something…."

* * *

The real Dib was in far greater danger. After he fell through the hole, he landed with a thud and groaned. With a painful wince, he slowly opened his eyes. What he saw caused a "??" moment so terrible that it took a whole chapter break to complete its reeling.

So here it is.


	16. Character Death

You know that feeling? Maybe you stood up too fast from an awkward position, or you ate something that just didn't agree with you but … for some reason you can taste a little vomit in the back of your throat. It doesn't come all the way up; it just teases you with its foul taste, though you may feel a chunk or two.

Well, that's what Dib felt when he opened his eyes.

It was, indeed, a big "??" moment. In fact, had it existed, it could have been classified as a "??" moment. Too bad Zim didn't invent a device for that feeling, eh? (Hint, hint, NASA …)

Dib hadn't just fallen in any old hole. Those don't exist on Irk. He had fallen into a chute that connected him to any of the various places he could want to go underground. Much of Irk was under the surface of the planet. And if one does not instruct the automatic chute of its destination, a random code decides for you.

Poor, unlucky Dib. It just had to land on the place very much related to the last bullet unquestioned in his notes: reproduction.

Yes, he landed in the room lined wall to wall with tubes containing Irken fetuses. But it wasn't so much them that disgusted Dib — indeed, the cartoonish faces printed on the outside concealed the fetuses inside —but it was the liquid he realized he was surrounded in. It was the substance that drained out of the tubes when the smeets were ready to be hatched. The smell, the feel of it was simply vomit-inducing. After all, the 'cold, unfeeling robot arm' just cracked the tubes and let the juice spill onto the floor. You'd think a supposed advanced alien race would be a little more sanitary, wouldn't you?

So Dib puked his guts out, right there in the smeet room. It came out quickly, and he heaved a couple more times to make sure he got it all. But as he did, something caught his eye.

One of the tubes glowed, and the robot arm pulled it out. It was broken in two, and the smeet fell to the floor with the goo.

Dib retched again.

"Welcome to life, Irken child. Report for duty," said a computer voice.

Suddenly Dib got an idea. As the smeet jumped for the pole, he put his arm in the way, so that the smeet gripped him instead.

He smirked as he looked down at the smeet hugging on his arm. _'Perfect … I got myself a hostage now …'_

Dib should have known not to think about anything at all remotely similar to a segway or plot device, but alas, the timing of his last thought was unfortunate. This was because Skoodge too fell into the room, having chased after Dib.

"I knew you'd be in here, Zim!" he said, getting up and dusting himself off.

Dib just stared back.

"Well, go on. Ask me how I knew."

"I don't actually care—"

"It's because I'm clever, and I'm not giving you any more details!" Skoodge held up his gun. "Now, come with me to die or I'll kill you!"

Dib held up the smeet like a shield. "Take one step closer, and I'll kill it," he threatened.

Skoodge took one step closer.

Dib's eyes widened. _'Oh … crap.'_

"Let's go, Zim! If we don't hurry up, the Tallests are probably going to put me in another canon … except this time they'll put a second one up next to it and blast me back and forth between the two until my innards explode! Probably."

Dib sighed and lowered his head. "You know what? I'd rather be killed right now quietly than with a big charade and Zim's leaders and whatnot … so … go ahead. Shoot me."

Skoodge was taken back. "Wh-what? Zim, I thought you were an invader?"

"I'm not Zim … but it doesn't matter. Kill me and get it over with."

He held up the laser gun to Dib's head.

"Look for me when I'm a ghost!" said Dib.

Skoodge closed one eye as he aimed and poked his tongue out. His fingers tensed on the trigger.

Dib felt strange. Like none of this was real. Not in the wake-up-and-this-was-all-a-dream sort of way though. It was like there was some kind of invisible meta-force keeping him from dying, and that any attempt would fail at the last second. He felt as if his life had some sort of imaginary status, fictional almost. The word he was gripping for started with a _C_ … what was it now? It was so important, he believed, because it had something to do with the barrier he felt between him and death.

Skoodge lowered his weapon. "I can't do it. The Tallests gave me a job, and I can't let them down!"

"Then what do you even have that gun for anyway?" he snapped. "If you're not gonna use it, I don't have any reason to fear you. In fact, I don't have any reason to go with you to the Tallests either. I mean, what are you going to do?"

Skoodge started to panic. "No … no, don't do this to me! How did you flip everything around like that?!"

"I'm not sure. But somehow I keep cheating death."

"Well, you won't when the Tallests get a hold of you!"

Cockiness suddenly overwhelmed Dib. He tried to snatch Skoodge's gun from his hand. Skoodge realized what Dib was trying to do, and slapped his hand. Dib slapped back, and soon they started a very wimpy fight.

In this scuffle, the smeet was knocked from Dib's arm to the ground. Yeah, he was still there. You didn't forget about the little guy, did you?

Skoodge finally shoved Dib away, his laser gun still in his possession. "Don't try that again," he said, dusting himself off.

"You missed a spot." Dib pointed to the Irken's shirt.

"Huh? Oh, no, that's a stain. It's always there — Hey!" Skoodge saw Dib make a dash for the exit. "Oh, no, you don't! … please don't make me run again!"

He only made it a few quick steps before slipping and falling on his bottom. "Ohh … what did I trip over?" he moaned as he stood up, rubbing his tailbone. Lifting the bottom of his shoe, Dib saw the crushed entrails of the smeet. "EEEW!"

"Look what you did!" said Skoodge, his eyes wide. "… you got organ juice all over the floor!"

Dib scraped the bottom of his boot against the ground, trying to get the alien's guts off. '_I didn't know they were so easily crushable … wait a minute—_'

"That's it," said Skoodge with a sigh. "I give up. I thought I could do this myself, but I guess I'm going to have to call for backup."

Dib looked up. "Backup? Like … actually competent guards or something?"

"I'm not a guard … but yeah."

"Are they as slow as you?"

"Do you mean physically or …" Skoodge couldn't finish his question, because Dib was already jumping through the threshold of the door. "… oh."

* * *

Cocky.

Was that the _C_ word he was trying to think of?

'_No … no, that wasn't it.'_

But he sure was acting it. Dib was on cloud nine, thinking he was invincible.

'_I can't believe I never realized it. I can't die. I can do whatever I want, and I won't die. I can come close but it'll never happen. I'll wake up. Or something will interrupt. Or Zim will be an idiot and screw it up. But I can never die.'_

He was wandering around, smirking while thinking these thoughts. So you can just imagine the look on his face when those actually competent guards Skoodge had summoned surrounded him, seized him, and threw him in a cage made of lasers. It was actually a surprisingly calm facial expression given the gravity of the situation.

They carried him through a hallway, passing walls and walls of alien equipment. There were several surges of electricity and scene changes, but Dib wasn't paying attention. He was in his own little world.

'_I finally know how I'll beat Zim. I'll get through his stupid leaders, get back home to Earth and … I'll finally destroy Zim.'_

Seeing that smeet die sparked something in Dib. He felt the _C_ word too when he looked at it … he felt it about everyone he knew: Zim, Gaz, his father, Zim's stupid robot, and even the chubby Irken that'd be chasing him. He even felt it about Tak, in a distant sort of way. But not all of them were the same. He felt a dividing line, splitting them almost equally. And the difference, he thought, meant life or death.

He and the Irkens were the difference, in his mind. That's why the smeet could be killed and he could not. The death of the thing had inspired his supposed realization of this distinction. It had inspired in him a new plan — a way to eventually escape, a way to eventually get home, a way to eventually beat Zim, and a way to eventually end this story.

* * *

Zim lifted up his shirt halfway and started to draw a bull's-eye on his abdomen with a Magic Marker. "I don't know why you've suddenly become so subservient, Dib, but I am going to take advantage of you. And it."

MiniMoose watched him. "I don't understand any of this."

"Bite me." The Irken pointed to the bull's-eye. "Right there. Doing so will turn me into a zombie … giving me UNSTOPPABLE POWER!"

The moose was even more confused than before. "That's vampires again. And necks. And … oh, I just don't understand! What does any of this have to do with your other plan? With the device?"

Zim lowered his shirt. "Ah, yes, the '??' moment device. I did not forget about it. In fact, I just remembered it right now. Without your help."

"… o-okay."

"Unfortunately it has been kidnapped by mischievous space thieves. That's the only explanation, because I cannot find it again, and ZIM DOES NOT LOSE THINGS!" He paused. "Except MiniMoose. I have no idea where he ran off to … YES, THAT'S IT! He ran off!" Zim raised his arms triumphantly. "ZIM DOES NOT LOSE THINGS!"

"Actually—"

"SILENCE! Let's go look around the base for it despite what I have said. Perhaps the space thieves brought it back while you were incessantly running your noise-hole."

"Yes, sir ..."

* * *

_An important note: This is a metafiction. Well, I guess it'd be a metafanfiction. But anyway … it's always been one, what with me constantly breaking the fourth wall and all, but soon it's going to be a lot more so. It's hard to explain … you'll see in coming chapters, but the storyline itself is going to be crucial to meta-references. Just trust me that I know what I'm doing :P_


	17. Out of Character

_A/N: There are some references to the unaired episode/ script "The Trial" in this chapter._

… _KINDA, anyway. It's been a looooong time since I read it. But as long as you know who the Control Brains are, you should be good whether you've read the script or not._

* * *

"I like this cage," Dib said calmly. "It's neat. Nice lasers."

The Irken soldiers carrying him exchanged confused glances. "Aren't you scared? We're bringing you to your death!"

"Meh." Dib shrugged. "Wouldn't be the first brush I've had with it … today."

They decided it was best not to talk to this lunatic anymore. The Tallests' quarters were close anyway.

Upon reaching their destination, they cautiously approached their leaders, who sat in their floating chairs. The two had apparently plugged them back in since their tragic food war.

"My Tallests," said one guard, averting his gaze out of respect. "We've brought Zim for you."

"Ah, excellent. Just go ahead and dump him right there."

They violently tossed Dib out of the laser cage. He fell on his face, but surprisingly wasn't too bothered by it at all. He simply dusted himself off and stood up, lazily glancing around.

"ZIM!" began Red, but his face fell upon the sight of the creature in front of him. "Wow … you sure got ugly, Zim."

Purple winced. "What happened to your skin? It's all patchy … And your antenna! They look so strangely edible …"

Dib wasn't concerned with his burned skin or licorice antenna. Nor did he even bother to correct their mistaken identity. "Bring whatever it is you're gonna bring on, alien scum," he said, crossing his arms. "'cause I'm not afraid of you."

"How dare you talk to your Tallests so … so … well, I'm the Tallest, I don't have to think of an adverb!"

"Adverbs are for commoners," agreed Purple.

"But it's a bad one, for sure!" Red glared down at Dib. "What's gotten into you, Zim? You've always been creepily obsessed with pleasing us."

"And what is _up_ with your voice?" asked Purple, annoyed. "I mean, you sound like a girl! I knew your voice was high-pitched, but, holy Irk … you actually sound a lot like someone I know. Someone snacky."

'_Snacky?' _thought Dib._ 'Worst description of Tak ever. These guys must've been right about adverbs, because they sure can't handle adjectives very well either.'_

"I'm waiting," said Dib, uninterested. "Where's my death? Come on, I don't have all day. Because apparently I'm going to die before it's over."

The Tallests were visibly uncomfortable with this new Zim. "As much as we would _love_ to do that'it's the Control Brains' jobs."

Purple sighed. "They have all the fun."

"I know! And _we're_ the _Tallests_. We should be the ones who get to kill the defects' and others we don't like! 'Like Skoodge! Boy, is he ug—"

As if on cue, Skoodge ran in the room. "Sorry I'm late, sirs!" he said with a salute. "I was busy capturing Zim." He glanced over to see Dib standing in front of his Tallests. "Uh … I can see he's already here. Good work, me!"

"It took you that long to get here?"

Skoodge wiped the enormous amount of sweat from his brow. He wasn't used to so much running. "That was fast for me."

"Silence!" Red turned to one of the Irkens at the control panel. "You there! Is there any way for us to legally deactivate Zim without the Control Brains? And maybe Skoodge too if we feel like it?"

"Yes, yes, 'legally'" said Purple, glancing around. "… because there are people around ..."

"There is one exception," replied the Irken. "Section 17 B of the Irken Bill of Rights You've Surrendered states that the Tallests may deactivate an Irken if under immediate threat."

"Immediate threat?" The Tallest looked over to Dib. "Are you threatening us?"

Dib shrugged again. "Not immediately. Might get around to it if I feel like it."

Purple snapped his fingers. "Darn."

"Wait, wait," said Red, pointing. "Watch."

There was a long, awkward pause. Finally Dib scratched his bottom.

"AHA! Did you see that?!"

"Couldn't miss it," said Purple, narrowing his eyes.

"TREASON!"

"You all saw it!" Red gestured around him. "That was an immediate threat!"

They all saw it … it being basically nothing. But they weren't going to question their Tallests.

"Bring forth … THE DEACTIVATOR!"

The couple of Irken soldiers from before exited, and slowly returned pushing a very large machine. They grunted as they struggled to move the heavy thing, because for some reason Irken technology had a habit of making things much larger than necessary.

Finally, it was all the way in the room. They stopped and panted.

"Blow the dust off of it," commanded Red.

"It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Couple decades, at least."

"Seems longer than that."

Tallest Red pointed to the control panel Irken again. "Activate it!"

"Activate the Deactivator …" Purple narrowed one eye. "What's that word …?"

"Irony," said Dib.

"Thanks … I mean, SILENCE! Prepare to have your life sucked from you!" He turned to Red to whisper: "Did that sound okay? I was trying to sound menacing."

"Work on it."

The Deactivator hummed to life at the Irken's signal. A long, metal tube snaked out and latched onto Dib's supposed PAK.

But nothing happened.

"Analog piece of junk!" said Red, angry. "Someone kick it for me! I'm not getting up."

"What do you expect?" said Purple with a sigh. "This is normally the Control Brains' jobs. Did I mention they have all the fun?"

It didn't work because it only worked on actual PAK's. What Dib had was a disguise … and not a good one. His 'PAK' was just an ordinary bookbag with the same colors as an Irken PAK.

As the Tallests bantered, Dib couldn't help but wonder, '_What is the point?'_

With half-lidded eyes, he quietly walked off.

"Kick it again!" said the Tallest. "That was weak!"

"Those Control Brains make it look so easy …"

"You're not kicking hard enough! Don't be afraid to use your spider legs!"

"S-sirs?" stammered one of the guards. "Zim is escaping."

They weren't listening. "Why do we even have those stupid Brains anyway?! It's not fair!"

"Yeah! If we wanna destroy an Irken, that's our job! Why else were we made Tallests?"

"High-five on that!"

"Sirs!" said the guard louder.

Both Tallests turned and glared down. "WHAT?!" they asked in unison.

"Zim's gone."

"… and you just let him leave?! What the...?! GO AFTER HIM!" exclaimed Red. He put his hands on his hips and rolled his eyes. "The incompetence, I swear ..."

The guards warily walked off, not sure what to make of this whole situation.

"Oh … I can't take this anymore!" Purple threw his arms up in desperation. "I gotta exterminate _someone!_ I mean, we got the machine out and everything!"

Red grinned evilly. "Oh, Skoo-oooodge," he said, singsong.

Skoodge saluted. "Yes, my Tallests!"

"Be a dear and get in this canon, would you?"

Terror filled the chubby Irken. "You … you kept it?!"

"We keep it beside our chairs at all times. Just in case."

"Just in case you come here," added Purple.

Skoodge's eyes were watering. "But … sirs … I tried my best! Zim is just too crafty!"

"Zim? CRAFTY?! Surely you meant, 'crappy.'"

"Enough talk!" Red pointed to what he thought were more guards "Put him in!"

But the guards had gone to stop Dib, so a couple of the control panel Irkens grudgingly got up to do the deed.

They shoved a sniffling Skoodge into the canon, packing him tight with a shovel. "Please … don't do this to me!" pleaded Skoodge as he was being struck in the head.

"Ha ha …" chuckled Purple. "This beats the Deactivator any day."

Skoodge squeezed his metal spider legs out of his PAK and through the tight fit of the canon's opening. With all his might, he began walking with them, dragging the canon with him.

It was a very slow getaway. And the control panel Irkens didn't even bother to chase him.

* * *

Dib had somehow lost the guards. Normally, he would have questioned this. Actually, he would have had to do it himself. But not now; he knew it would happen. Somehow, it had to. Even if he had nothing to do with it.

He easily found an escape pod. Thinking far less about this than he should, he started to climb in.

There was no fretting about how to work it, decode it, or anything. He just got in.

But a sound caught his attention. He decided to humor the situation and look.

Skoodge rolled down the hallway, screaming and flailing his arms. The poor Irken was still in the canon. "Stop! Wait!" he called. "Let me come with you!"

Dib leaned against the doorway, crossing his arms. "Why should I? You didn't spare me when I begged you to."

"Yes, I did!"

"No, you didn't."

Skoodge looked carefully at Dib. "I don't get it, Zim. You're acting so strange. You even insulted the Tallests. What did they do to you on that horrible planet you were on?"

"I told you, I'm not Zim." Dib was staring off into space. "But I'm not acting myself either. Normally I'd be freaking out, trying to solve this … definitely not so calm. I feel … out of … out of … something. Something with a _C_."

"Common sense?"

"No, that's not it. I'll think of it eventually. But right now, all that matters is that nothing matters."

"Huh?"

"I can do whatever, because I know, that I will win."

"Then please, let me come with you!" Skoodge begged. "They want to shoot me out of this canon!"

Dib thought for a moment. "I shouldn't but … hey, why not? I kinda have pity for you."

Skoodge's eyes watered. "Thank you! Thank you, Zim!"

Dib rolled his eyes. "I'm not Zim … ugh, whatever. Just get in already."

"I can't, I'm stuck!"

Dib grabbed Skoodge's arms and pulled. But no matter how hard he strained, the alien would not come out.

"You're too fat to pull through!"

"What do I do?!" Skoodge asked in a panic.

Dib sighed in exasperation and yanked Skoodge, canon and all, into the escape pod.

"To Earth!" he declared.

Skoodge waved his nubby arms from the canon. "To escaping a violent death!"


	18. Illogical Conclusions

MiniMoose stood, baffled, watching Zim tear apart his base in search of the "??" device. He didn't understand why the Irken looked under flat surfaces, or why he had not simply asked the house computer to locate it, or why he was spewing Irken profanity like a sailor. Still disguised as Dib, his arms fell limply at his side and his mouth hung slightly agape as he stood there in awkward confusion. But he dare not question his master.

Zim opened the refrigerator. "Nope, not in there." He paused and jumped back. "GAHH! What is _that?!_" He wasn't talking to anyone in particular, because he hastily grabbed the item in question. It was a green Jello mold, sitting on a platter. And I don't mean a _Jello mold _… but Jello so old that it had turned to mold. "What is this putrid, squishy … THING doing in my base?!"

GIR fell from the ceiling — you don't want to know what he was doing up there. "That's my friend!" he chirped. "Mr. Wiggleblobface!"

"Eh …?" Zim looked down at the thing … _wriggling_. "AHH! It's aliiiive!" That wasn't an ad campaign joke, the Jello mold really was alive. And it lunged at Zim, who immediately dropped the platter and recoiled in fear. When he realized he was trembling like a pathetic baby smeet, he stood up straight. "No one makes Zim scared! NO ONE! What you just saw, GIR, was an illusion!"

GIR raised his arms triumphantly. "BOLOGNA FOR EVERAH-ONE!"

"Incoming transmission," said the house computer.

Zim looked up at the ceiling and growled. "Take a message! No one _disturbs_ ZIM while he confronts … _disturbing_ things! Unless it's the Tallests or something."

"It _is_ the—"

"Do not disobey your master!"

"Fine, whatever. I don't care."

"Perhaps you should take the call, master," said MiniMoose.

Zim looked over to him. "DIB?! What are you doing in my base?!"

"… I … I've been standing here for several minutes. I've been with you for a while looking for the device, and before that we were outside—"

"Get out of here, pig-weasel! Wait. I forgot. It's the new Dib." He smirked. "Who knows his place."

"Er …"

"Wasn't I undertaking some kind of epic battle?" Zim scratched his head.

"The Jello mold?" MiniMoose pointed to GIR, who was shoving it into his mouth. The robot swallowed it in one bite, doubled over in pain, then perked back up to prance off down the hallway.

"Hmm," said Zim, putting his hands on his hips. "Glad I solved that problem. ZIM IS THE JELLO DEFEATER!"

MiniMoose didn't bother to correct Zim's statement about who 'beat' the Jello. "Might I suggest you check your messages, master?"

"Psssh." Zim waved him off. "All I get is stupid telemarketers. Leaving static on my machine … you put yourself on the do-not-transmit list, but do they listen? Nooooo."

"Umm … I meant about your missed call."

"Eh? Nah, I don't feel like it. I'd have to go underground." Zim sipped an Irken cola. Once again, he'd forgotten what he was doing.

"But we need to check there for the device anyway."

"FINE," Zim spat, spraying a bit of the drink on MiniMoose's face. "But just know that I'm watching you, Dib. You may be different, but I'm not letting my guard down." He grabbed the edges of his eyes and pulled them out of their sockets a bit. "See this? This is me watching you."

Had MiniMoose actually been Dib, he would have been disgusted. "Uh, right."

"ONWARD TO … DOWNSTAIRS!" Zim rather proclaimed.

* * *

Below ground, the two approached a large monitor. Zim pressed a couple buttons and his previously recorded message began to play:

"We don't know _how_ you did it, Zim …" said Tallest Red, annoyed. "But somehow you've escaped your doom!"

Zim glanced over to MiniMoose, narrowing his eyes.

Purple pushed Red aside a bit on the screen, coming into view. "And you took Skoodge with you for some reason?!"

Red pushed Purple back. "We DEMAND that you return to Irk and/or the Massive, and/or Judgementia, immediately," said Red.

Purple turned to Red. "How can it be '_and_'? He can't be at two places at once!" If only he knew the irony of that statement.

The other Tallest shook himself and faced the monitor once more. "We don't know where you are, but when you get this message, REPORT BACK IMMEDIATELY!"

"We're not done with the killing-you-thing. We wanted to see organs."

"We mean it, Zim," continued Red, not paying attention to the other Tallest. "That is all."

"… oh, and seriously? SKOODGE?"

The message abruptly cut off.

Before MiniMoose could even finish analyzing the Tallests' words, Zim had pounced on him, knocking him to the floor. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" he screeched.

"Zim … you're … you're—"

"Can it, hyu-MAN! You're supposed to be DEAD! You've come back as a zombie, and now … the Tallests say you _escaped?_" Once again, the weapons from inside MiniMoose started to emerge as an automatic response to a threat. But Zim wasn't concerned with them. "I see what's going on here…" He didn't really. "They killed you, you turned into a zombie of course, they realized they needed to kill you again to get rid of the zombie … _ness? _… but you escaped and came back to Earth and—" His eyes widened. "SKOODGE!"

"… I'm confused again."

"Skoodge is a zombie TOO! And he's gonna come here… and do ZOMBIE THINGS to us!" Zim glanced around nervously. "Quickly! We must protect the base! And…" He gasped. "MY SEAHORSES!"

"…who's Skoodge?"

"We must put up my strongest shield to protect the base! COME!" Zim started to march off, but he tripped over something. Something incredibly stupid. "My device! There it is. Not that I lost it or anything. Nope. Knew it was there the whole time."

"Good, now we can get back on track—"

"YES! It's _zombie protection time_!" Zim proudly stepped into the elevator to return to above ground.

"… that's not the track I meant."

* * *

"Computer! Initiate file number 430945!"

"… the what?" the computer replied lazily. "I always forget the numbers."

Zim growled. "The house shield! DEPLOY THE HOUSE SHIELD!"

"We have a house shield?"

The Irken kicked the wall. "Do not disobey ZIM!"

"Hold on … let me check myself …"

Zim tapped his foot. "What is taking SO LONG? This is the fate of a planet here! I think? More importantly, it is the fate of _me_."

"I think I got some bad Adware or something."

"I think you better HURRY UP!" Zim clawed at the air in rage.

"Aha. Found it."

The ground shook beneath Zim's feet. He quickly ran outside to see the enormous gray, metal walls shoot forth from the ground. They sprang up, ramming the neighbors' buildings on three sides. Finally the dust settled, and Zim smirked. "Now we just have to wait for that inferior Skoodge to …" He trailed off, realizing there were only three barriers surrounding the base. He ran back in to ask: "Why are there only THREE?!"

"Don't ask me, you're the one who made the program."

"I did?" Zim narrowed one eye in confusion. "I don't remember doing that."

"Maybe you thought the lawn gnomes were enough protection that you didn't need another barricade."

"Foolish computer! Why would I think that when the lawn gnomes are on the ground? I need protection from _every side_, including the sky!"

"Well … they're all _walls_. They're only fifty feet or so tall. There's no ceiling or anything."

"Wha…? GAHH!"

* * *

Dib flopped on his back, panting. "Wow, that was_ incredible!_" he said happily. "I've never been part of an interstellar battle like that before! It's amazing how we defeated that entire band of crazy, renegade aliens with just one escape pod! It was a tale of triumph, inspiration, then despair, but then redemption! It had an exposition, rising action, a climax, falling action, and an amazing resolution! Oh, God. That was the best adventure of my _life_."

"Yeah!" agreed Skoodge. "Those crazy Nhar-Gh'ok never learn."

"I can't wait to write about this in my blog … assuming I make it back to Earth alive and all."

"What's even more amazing is that I did all that still stuck in this canon!"

"Ha … yeah, that's just pathetic."

"I wonder why there wasn't anything written about our fantastic adventure?"

"Because not everything needs to be written in detail."

"Maybe not everything … but _that!_ Wow …"

Dib relaxed, putting his hands behind his head. "You know, your question leads me to believe you get the same feeling I do. About everything."

"I'm not sure I follow."

"That's okay. You're expendable."

"… what?"

"Not everything needs detail, okay?"

* * *

"A great invader like ZIM should not be reduced to doing this _horrible_ labor!"

He and GIR were pounding away, using normal Earth hammers and nails, to erect a wall to replace the missing one out front. With GIR's incompetence — he mostly hammered his own head — and Zim's grudging stance against menial labor, they weren't accomplishing much.

MiniMoose approached. "Might I make a suggestion?"

"That depends. Is your suggestion doing the work for us?"

"We have some of the most advanced technology at our fingertips! Surely there's something that can do this job much more efficiently."

Zim didn't listen to the right words of MiniMoose's sentences. "What do you mean _we? _It's_ my _equipment!"

"Look, if you'd just—"

Zim held out a hammer. "Get to work, zombie-slave."

* * *

_A/N: Next chapter is likely the last._

_Fun puzzle for my readers to solve: are-ee-vee-eye-ee-double-you_

_Hint: Sound it out :P_


	19. Dib and Skoodge Break the Fourth Wall

Sharing such a small, enclosed space with a near-stranger and member of another species can be very awkward. Or at least it was to Skoodge. But Dib was eerily comfortable, sitting and staring out the escape pod's front window.

"… so …" began Skoodge, breaking the silence. "… what's it like on this, 'Earth'?"

Dib didn't answer; he was lost in his own thoughts.

"… I _said_, what's it like on this planet we're going to?"

There was still no response from Dib.

Skoodge growled, growing impatient. "Look! I just want to know something about it! You know, important stuff … like my rank in regards to height or—"

"Earth is imminent."

"Finally, you answer!" He paused. "Wait. That wasn't your voice."

"You're right," said Dib. "It was the escape pod's computer. Apparently we're close to Earth now. Which is strange, because it hasn't been nearly enough time."

"That wormhole we went through probably sped things up a lot."

Dib rolled his eyes. "_Worm_hole? More like plot hole."

Skoodge was staring out the window, at Earth fast approaching. "Um, you don't know how to land this thing, do you?"

"Are you kidding? I'm _eleven_."

"CRASH IMMINENT," blared the pod's voice. Red lights flashed from the ceiling.

"Holy Irk, we're gonna die!" said Skoodge in a panic, flailing in the canon.

"Relax, no we're not."

"I don't believe you! You're _crazy!_" Skoodge ducked farther into the canon and whimpered.

* * *

Zim sat atop one of his lawn gnomes, watching MiniMoose finish up building the wall for the front yard. "Yes, yes …" he said with an evil grin. "Do my work for me, pitiful Dib-zombie …"

MiniMoose was doing all the work by himself. Zim was just sitting around and looking evil like usual, and GIR was carrying out his normal antics. For instance, he stuck out his tongue and scooped up a bunch of screws and nails into his mouth like a frog catching a fly.

"GIR!" said Zim. "Now is not the time to get nailed or screwed in the mouth!"

GIR threw up the metal pieces on Zim's shoes. "BLARGH!" he said as he did so.

Zim closed one eye in disgust. "Clean this filth up before … uh … before I make Dib do it!"

Just then, a small aircraft crashed into the cul-de-sac in front of Zim's house. The sound of the forceful impact echoed down the block, causing car alarms to go off. Smoke rose from the damaged pod, which was now lodged into the street.

"WOW!" exclaimed Zim, ecstatic. "Someone sent me a present!" He gleefully marched over to the crash and ripped off the flimsy door. After tossing it aside, he peered in. Inside was the patchy, poorly disguised Dib. "Ugh! You're the most hideous Irken I've ever seen!" He was actually talking about Skoodge. "… and DIB?! Is that you?!"

"In the painfully scarred flesh."

"But …" Zim looked behind him at the disguised MiniMoose. "… you're over there … YES OF COURSE! I knew I'd solve this mystery! You have both a zombie and a ghost when you die!" Zim nodded. "Yep."

"Is it safe to come out?" Skoodge poked his head out a little from the canon.

"AHA!" Zim thrust an accusing finger in Skoodge's direction. "I knew zombie-Skoodge was coming to destroy me!"

"What? No, I'm just here to escape my canon doom—"

"Your cannon doom?"

Dib widened his eyes. This time Zim's ability to hear homophones was rather jarring. Technically, it would be cannon doom, considering he was in an actual cannon. But, strangely, both terms seemed to fit. Dib wondered why the physical one had been eerily missing an _n_.

"DO NOT IGNORE ZIM!" he screeched, jumping up. After Zim landed back on his feet, he crouched slightly and said in a lower voice, "Prepare to be destroyed, filthy zombies! You shall never penetrate my four-sided fortress of … SIDES! NEVERRRR!" The Irken dashed over to, and hopped right over the short end of the unfinished wall. He nearly tripped himself upon the realization. "Ignore this part!" he called, cuffing his mouth with one hand and pointing down with the other.

"I could finish faster with some help," said MiniMoose.

"You can finish faster with my DEMAND that you do! OBEY ZIM!" he screeched.

Back in the street, Dib was watching a certain robot very intently. GIR was carrying the device in his mouth. You know, the incredibly stupid one. "GIR! GIR!" called Dib, feigning excitement. "Come're boy! Come on, that's it!" He was acting like GIR was a real dog, remembering it had worked in the past.

"Baaaaaah!" GIR bleated like a sheep and scampered over on all fours.

"Good dog … sheep thing." Dib bent down to pet GIR, who purred for some reason. "Gimme the device, boy." GIR growled defensively. "Come on, DROP IT. Drop it! Bad dog!" Realizing this was pointless, Dib simply kicked GIR in the head, forcing him to drop the device.

"YIPE YIPE YIPE!" squealed GIR, running off. The little robot ran smack into the wall, which was now complete, as of three seconds ago. Dazed, he stood up shakily, and then raised his arms. "I WANT TRIPE!"

Dib ran his hands over the device. '_Oh, how perfectly ironic. I'll finally destroy Zim using his own idiotic device. Huh. This seems familiar. Oh well.'_

But there was still the little matter of the barriers.

Putting his arm up to block the sun from his eyes, Dib looked up the wall: way too high to climb. Instead he eyed the Irken behind him. "Say, Skoodge … how would you like a new mission?"

"Boy, would I!" he said excitedly.

"Okay then." Dib gripped the cannon and swiveled it into place. "Oh, now it has two _n_'s," he muttered.

"What's going on?" asked Skoodge.

Gearing up all the mucous possible in his throat, Dib hawked a huge loogie into his hands. Without a word, he started to smear it over Skoodge's sides.

"HEY HEY!" Skoodge tried to shove Dib away, but his arms were too short. "Gross! What are you doing?!"

"Well, I don't have any butter or vegetable oil, so this'll have to do."

"Wha-what?" Skoodge stammered, panicking. "You're not … you're not gonna shoot me out of this thing are you?!"

"Right into the wall."

"NOOOO!" His efforts to struggle free were once again futile.

Dib turned to GIR, who was now standing idly beside him. "You got a light?"

"I always have matches!" replied GIR, beaming and handing Dib a matchbook. Dib took it and pulled one out. He lifted up his shoe and struck the match on the bottom of it.

"No! Please! Don't do this!" begged Skoodge. "This is why I escaped!"

_Ssssssssssth_ hissed the wick, quickly shrinking in size. Dib put his fingers in his ears and squeezed his eyes tightly.

Time was up, and Skoodge shot from the cannon like lightning. He smacked forcefully into the wall, leaving a Skoodge-shaped hole in a cartoonish way.

Dib jumped up. "Ha-HA! Take that, Zim!"

"GAHH!" said Zim upon the sight of the new hole in his precious wall. "Curse you, zombie-Dib!" He turned to MiniMoose. "Ghost-Dib! Help me think of a plan!"

"I broke the fourth wall! I broke the fourth wall!" exclaimed Dib. Suddenly he stopped. "… huh." After shaking himself of something close to a "??" moment, he approached the wall, hopped through the hole, and landed on the other side.

Zim leapt in front of him, trying to be dramatic. "HOW DARE YOU DEFY MY SIDEY FORTRESS!"

Calmly, Dib whipped out the device.

Zim's eyes widened as he put his arms up. "AHH! Where did you get that?! Don't tell me mischievous space thieves gave it to you!"

Dib put his finger on the trigger and smirked.

Zim stepped back slightly, but he was virtually cornered. "You don't realize how much POWER that thing has! SO MUCH!"

"Oh, I do, Zim." He'd thought this through. Yes, in just a couple minutes, it still counts. He remembered what happened with Nick — the device had caused a very painful, and very disgusting, death. But when he'd shot the Tallests and the control panel Irkens, nothing happened. He'd realized the reason why when he tried to shoot Zim, who made the comment about Dib — or Tak to Zim — not knowing Irken anatomy. The truth was that the device only worked on brains; it was designed to overload them with "??" moments. He had aimed for the head, but Irken brains are in their PAK's. Thus, Dib now took a step to the side and aimed for Zim's ID PAK.

"Ghost-Dib! Save me!" cried Zim.

MiniMoose emerged from the wall's shadow and into view. Dib was shocked for a moment, but then realized who this so-called ghost was. "MiniMoose?! I thought you were still back at my house?!"

Zim had a "??" moment. "MiniMoose?! Someone told me you ran off! And that someone was me, and I _know_ I'm a reliable source!"

"No, it's me," said MiniMoose. He figured this was as close as he'd ever get to permission to drop the disguise, so he transformed back into his normal moosey self. "Squeak!" he said merrily, happy to be himself again.

Zim scratched his head as Dib shook himself again. He turned back to the Irken and gripped the trigger once more. But just as he pulled it, MiniMoose quickly floated in the way, taking the hit for his master.

And, as luck would have it, the device's beam hit MiniMoose right in the nubs. Yes, that's right. In his … _Nubs of Doom_.

Thus, being the incredible weapon that he is, he exploded. So much so in fact that it took out the entire neighborhood. And the 'seahorses.' And any of Dib's notes that hadn't already been destroyed, as well as the Irken book he'd gotten earlier. A giant puff of smoke and fire enveloped the land.

Finally, the dust settled enough for Dib to stagger out of the rubble. He looked around, not seeing a single other living being. All that was around was charred ruins and small flames in the background.

"Ha … ha …" he laughed weakly. "…ha ha ha ha HAHAHA!" His laughter picked up, until he was laughing ironically like Zim. "I did it! I DID IT! I destroyed Zim! And that stupid robot! And that other stupid alien! And that … moose weapon thing. WHOO!"

'_I knew I would win. How could I lose? It's impossible for me to die. I've been saying that for a while now. And I knew the others could. Heh heh. Victory is so, so sweet… I could do without the smoke in my lungs, but still … so sweet.'_

Zim suddenly popped up from under a piece of rubble. And then GIR, then MiniMoose, and even Skoodge.

Dib had a "??" moment. "Wha …? Huh …?! WHY ARE YOU GUYS STILL ALIVE?!"

"You were right in the previous chapter Dib," said Skoodge. "You're not the only one who, 'felt it,' as you said."

"You … you said 'chapter'!" Dib felt faint. "That means …"

Skoodge nodded.

Dib fell on his bottom. "I … can't believe this. I thought I was special or something."

"Well, _I_ don't know what's going on," said Zim angrily.

"I thought I would win. That I was invincible … I can't die—"

"Yeah … same for us," said Skoodge. "We couldn't just be killed off without a character death warning ahead of time."

"… I just had another '??' moment."

THE END.

* * *

_WHOA, IT'S OVER. My longest fic finally complete. WHOO!_

_HUGE thank you to all those who reviewed. You guys rock! I also appreciate all the favorites and alerts this story got too. This is definitely my most popular fic! So thank you all!_


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